# A lesser man would have pulled much earlier...



## twitch (Oct 16, 2003)

Crawdaddy - 
Why you gots to be such a Class IV Boater in such a Class V world?

Liability....so when I boat with you, do I get a waiver I have to sign or anything? (Anyone who was with me for my most recent separation from vessel just shut up - yeah you KID)

BTW - nice calm commentary


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## RiverWrangler (Oct 14, 2003)

I think that guy was talking smack about Leif's mom in the eddy. Apparently, you gotta earn that right. 

What is this??? Weenie swim confession hour. Get a grip you two. Swimming does not mean you suck... but confessing to it on the internets without provocation might.


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## COUNT (Jul 5, 2005)

Dude, he almost stuck that McNasty. I know I wouldn't have hung on that long.


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

god please tell me thats Lutz? I love watching all you front rangers swim.


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## Livingston (Jan 8, 2004)

Good eye Gary.
-d


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## frontrangefred (Apr 18, 2006)

Gary,

You are more then welcome to watch me swim next time, hell all you bitches are, hell I would be impressed if any of you other bitches even put on in the shit I swim.

Frontrange-


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## blutzski (Mar 31, 2004)

Lessons learned:

1. Talking smack about Leif’s mom in the eddy above a drop may be bad river karma – especially when you’ve just been introduced to the guy.

2. If you go for the left-left move at 1400 with the same intensity that you went for it at 1200 a few weeks prior, you’re going to get stuffed. 

3. Reviewing video of your botched line at 1400 may make you realize you just got lucky at 1200 a few weeks prior.

4. The first time you look at a hole to assess you’re chances of working you’re way out of it shouldn’t be as you’re getting thrown for a loop in said hole.

5. Kayaking is a poor cardio sport until it comes to beatdowns.

6. The river bottom over the 100 feet downstream of Ginger is very rocky.

7. Surfacing 100 feet downstream of Ginger isn’t the time to wish you would have waited for someone to run the sneak first so you’d at least have a chase boat down stream.

8. Swimming back into the current is the last thing you want to do after going for a hole ride and getting ragdolled along the river bottom, but when Scissors is up next, you don’t get a vote.

9. Hitting the line in Scissors is hard without a boat.

10. No matter how tired and out of breath you are, having Pyrite approaching fast will motive your lazy ass to swim a little harder.

11. The guy driving the railroad truck isn’t fazed by drown-rat kayakers and is fine giving you a ride downstream to chase your gear. He’s just happy to not have to take you to the emergency room like “all the others”.

12. Breakdown paddles with a different offset and shaft bend than your regular paddle are worthless. You might as well just bring hand paddles. 

13. Having other “liabilities” in your crew lessens your chances of having to do a bootie beer at the takeout.

14. The Craw should do color commentary for any sport involving hero to zero beatdowns.

15. If Gary E calls after you’ve had your beatdown posted on YouTube, chances are he’s not calling to offer his warmest condolences.

16. Don’t assume you’ve escaped the 2007 year-o-carnage unscathed until the season is actually over.


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

If I recall Fred, last time we paddled, you bought the ice cream. What else is new? 

"hell I would be impressed if any of you other bitches even put on in the shit I swim" If you would stay upright longer than your first paddle stroke, you might realize, we did put on the shit you're swimming. Also everything looks bad when all you see is bubbles Fred. Frickin Guppy! You have to be fighting for the most swims of the year.

The front range is sad this year, what the hell happened? How can you people swim in the source, Bear creek at a trickle (yes 300), CC? Man I'm embarrassed to call myself a front ranger. Pink boats, pink helmets, paddles and gear scattered throughout the state with 303 on them. When you have east coast pukes making fun of you, theres a problem; Especially when you're gonna there to paddle class 4. Sadly, I'm scared to hear the aftermath of Gauley fest; Jesus, theres gonna be gear world wide come December.

Mike Mathers would be a millionaire if he set up shop in Boulder. 

People that gape it up in 07- Bruno Lutz(weakest,scaredest, left, left line ever), Josh Parker(I'm sure it was ugly), The craw(again?), Fred Z(1st), Dave Frank(fuck it, i'm swimming), Scott Young(I had to drain my boat), Baird M(wtf happened), Alex +2(the rocks came too fast), Gordo(whats a boof stroke), Forrest(i hit that shit with my head), Dave Simo(wtf), Brook A(on like 6yrs now), Dan H, C Ebel(did you see that hole), Jason R(sneakin it), Jared J(crack whore), I'm sure Rasta, Jonathon S(i lost my roll), Yonder Riv, Joe K(total gaper), T boner, Doublet, Livinston, Deepsouth, Storm11(hope you're doing ok, gaper), Realdad, Jesus, this has got to end? Phillips, Cayo2, Pagel(my ass), I know some of you got away.

WTF? Thinks it's time to step back and tone it down for a while. Thank god winter is here, cause this got way out of hand, way too early.

Your biggest fan
Gary


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## blutzski (Mar 31, 2004)

Gary, 
Let's just wait till Forrest and I get up there to Jackson this winter before you assume you're immune from an occasional thrashing.


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## thecraw (Oct 12, 2003)

OMG, I am literally (not just LOL) laughing out loud. I need a good laugh. Thanks!

Bruno, you are hilarious...

Great effort, but that biatch Ginger had another plan for you. Classic.



Sucking Paddler... Craw


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## El Flaco (Nov 5, 2003)

In the immortal words of Tommy Boy:
http://www.geocities.com/jnb373/awesome.wav

http://www.geocities.com/jennpatt/movies/tommyboy/awesome.wav


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## deepsouthpaddler (Apr 14, 2004)

I love the commentary...

Where is he, where is he... WHERE THE F&CK IS HE!!!

Classic.

The funny thing is that I have uttered that exact same line watching a boat sink in hole with no sight of the boater. Scary for a few seconds... I guess its the standard response when your buddy is taking the submarine line.


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

Easy showtime, easy. Sometimes you watch the show, sometimes you are the show. I just love watching the show. Plus seeing that scared, sad line, makes me smile inside.

I'll wait to be scared this winter until I see you and Noble knockin. Not to mention, you can't go big anymore as your dome is mush, lol. See you in the snow

Gar


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## tboner (Oct 13, 2003)

ILOVE IT!!! BRUNO IS MY NEW HERO... 

Craw- was that helmet footage??


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## COLDFEAR (Apr 20, 2004)

Marty where is that classic footage of you yelling at Ed running the death log jam line in Clear Creek.

Out of nowhere comes ed .....
"What the Fuck is he doing, Oh Shit this is not good" "Oh fuck this is bad"

Luckily Frenchy came to the rescue!

Too Funny (at least now)

Aaron


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## thecraw (Oct 12, 2003)

Yeah man... that thing is awesome! Thanks for turning me onto it. I use it dirt biking all the time, and it works great kayaking too. The vid is way better than I thought. Much better prior to loading onto youtube.

For anyone else interested, the thing is 120.00 fully waterproof, and is self contained (no wires, or whatnot). Sits on the side of any helmet or handlebars and obviously has pretty good footage for the cost.

Oregon Scientific is the company name.


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## frontrangefred (Apr 18, 2006)

Gary,

Since you are not going to BC with us this next week, I guess I too will have to call you out on the snow this winter. Heel up well, I can wait to get that smile on the inside watching you.

Frontrange-

P.S. Love the line "Sometimes you watch the show, sometimes you are the show."


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

Oh shit, chalk 3 more up for Fred! Come on up this winter, not too worried about firing the snow with you. It's the 40+ footers I hate.
Gar

"sometimes you watch the show, sometimes you are the show" This statement has been trade marked by ricky bobby inc. Any use of this statement without the written permission from someone who is not a puss, is strickly prohibited.


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## lotsawater (Nov 18, 2003)

"Talking smack about Leif’s mom in the eddy above a drop may be bad river karma – especially when you’ve just been introduced to the guy." 

A couple of days ago.....
Hearing Life tell a story via email pretty funny. 

Hearing Life tell a story about someone swimming Gore. Getting funnier

Today......
Hearing Life tell a story about somebody talking shit about his Mom, getting handed, and then seeing it on the buzz, in a completely different setting.
FUCKING PRICELESS!!!!

You can see Life in the "Wanker Cam" in the eddy above the drop. Laughing as I'm typing. 

Leifs mom is a special girl, not to be made a joke of fellas. Plus if you have any questions about my lady you can ask me directly, and no she is not currently available. She came down with pnemonia when she jumped into the river at the Narrows race to save me. Luckily there were some skilled rafters there to fish her out, as I was determined to beat the balding but fast J.J. Hairpiece, and was not able to stop and perform the rescue. Plus I think she's pregnant, Life's going to have a baby brother...awkward.


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## Leland (Jan 25, 2004)

Gary E said:


> The front range is sad this year, what the hell happened? How can you people swim in the source, Bear creek at a trickle (yes 300), CC? Man I'm embarrassed to call myself a front ranger. Pink boats, pink helmets, paddles and gear scattered throughout the state with 303 on them. When you have east coast pukes making fun of you, theres a problem; Especially when you're gonna there to paddle class 4. Sadly, I'm scared to hear the aftermath of Gauley fest; Jesus, theres gonna be gear world wide come December.


the armchair heckler strikes again. Somebody please lock Gary in a padded room long enough for him to heal up and get back out on the river. take the guy out of the water for a while and he's just a displaced front range gossip queen keeping track of everybody else's lines. He's so up on the current dirt that he should be elected matron of the front range sewing circle. maybe he can knit all of you guys sweaters for your ski trip this winter. Gary - stay near the green spots and the kids in bunny suits and maybe you'll be healthy enough to swim in some east coast rainfall next spring.

Leland


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## frontrangefred (Apr 18, 2006)

Gary,

If I swim three times in BC- at least I will have gone kayaking three more times then you this month.

Heal up soon - 
Frontrange


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## JCKeck1 (Oct 28, 2003)

Woah Gary,
I was never seperated from the Pink boat this year. I'm not sure if pink helmet swam this year either. I want to give a big hell yea to the Rangers this year. Some may have swam, but I'll be damned if we didn't get out and terrorize the country this year. Our boys have been posting from WY, WV, BC, WA, NZ, AZ and every sic local in CO. 
Joe


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

Leland, you keep to teaching, as I mtn bike the shit you paddle. You trickle hunter; You make Keck and his mank crew look like they're going big. Probably should add Lelend to the swimming list also, as I'm sure he has pulled and walked out of the creek.

Fred, you've probably went a hundred times more this year. Nice job---on all the swims. You should open, or invest, in a ben and jerry's.

Keck, what happened in the NSV this year? Did you pull a scott Young? Talk to me. Noble got bit off in the double trouble this year. I did hear I need to come back out there and get my old buddy motivated to actually fire up some big shit. Hanging with you Keck, he's turned into a muffin.

Gary


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## Leland (Jan 25, 2004)

Gary E said:


> Leland, you keep to teaching, as I mtn bike the shit you paddle. You trickle hunter; You make Keck and his mank crew look like they're going big. Probably should add Lelend to the swimming list also, as I'm sure he has pulled and walked out of the creek.


hmmmm....northwest all summer, high water BC year....I like water a lot more than I used to. maybe if you mountain bike the shit I paddle now you'll land in water and not wind up a gimp again. how many cfs are in your shower? That's where you've been doing all your pulling this summer.

no skirt pulls for me this year. even if I had pulled my skirt, it would beat all the pecker pulling you're doing stitting on your couch eating doritos and watching the home shopping channel while you gossip with yer buzz budz about their swims.

Leland


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## gh (Oct 13, 2003)

> displaced front range gossip queen


thats good stuff


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## frontrangefred (Apr 18, 2006)

Invest - Fu*ker I am going to start making my own brand.

And for the record, I think I have a 93% non swim precentage. It just that the other 7% of the time it worth talking about. 

Frontrange


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## JCKeck1 (Oct 28, 2003)

Gary, 
You must have little birds all over the frontrange watching people's lines for you. I'd forgotten about that little NSV situation. Definitely pulled a Scott Young there and he was the only witness too. As far as coming back, it'd be great to paddle with you again - com'on home. Until then, you're just going to have to accept that Forrest, FR Fred and I (along with lots of other great boaters that prefer to remain out of BS circles) are holding down your old hood for you.

Leland - Missed you this summer. Are you going to be at Gauleyfest next weekend? 

Joe


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## Leland (Jan 25, 2004)

JCKeck1 said:


> Leland - Missed you this summer. Are you going to be at Gauleyfest next weekend?
> 
> Joe


I think this is the first year since '95 or so that I'm not going to get any paddling in CO.

yup. We'll be at the Gauley. See you there?

Leland


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## tboner (Oct 13, 2003)

"Definitely pulled a Scott Young there and he was the only witness too." no dude.. he wasn't the only witness : ) -t


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

Nice Leland, I'm going to stop jousting with you now, as i'm getting my ass kicked. I am however kinda proud of you for putting on water nowadays. Harjes called and wants me to come out to the Gauley. Where do I fly in; What day can you come get me?

As for Keck, I heard all the gaper stories this year. And for the record, you're not holding down the hood, you're disgracing it. Well let me tell you, Scott doesn't talk; So there was definatly more than two witnesses. Got ya, sucka. Good to see you firing shit Joe, get up here this winter and you'll understand why I'm not coming back. Maybe see you in WV.

Gar

ps-hate you leland


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## Leland (Jan 25, 2004)

Gary E said:


> ps-hate you leland


see you Thursday.

L


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## ToddG (Nov 29, 2003)

here is some *mathletics* for the instigators in this thread.

1. (gary + simonaitis) x (medium flow) / off the couch = ("Gettin' busy" + hike out) - "rest of Little White"

2. (BC Class IV x High water) + 20(southern twanger in a van + Leland) = (Lost gear + broken spirits) / early departure

3. (boof right - boof right) = melt left / keck swimming


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

It's about time Todd. How are you're feet; Your damaged water drinking body? Just to set the record straight, I got punished in the hood, lol. I did however take out after Island after missing the eddy and going left on it. Was the best line of the day. Then I watched Boomer get hamered in island for a solid minute and come out smiling, sticking his tongue out, nailing a huge boof on the second hole. So I wish, I started out at getting busy, but I waited till the ridges got higher and steeper. The best part was the conversation before I hiked out.

ge- I'm out, I'm a liability.
boomer- you're doing fine, it's all good
ge- can't feel my arms and can't catch my breath
boomer- just rest for a sec, that was a big hole
ge- ah- i've rolled twice, got killed in a huge hole, missed two lines and an eddy? In a mile!
boomer- thats ok, its been a while, you got it now.
ge- have a good run, i'm out. I'm an out of shape piece of shit.
boomer-give me your stuff and I'll take it out.
Marathon training started 2 weeks later.

"Got on the little white for my first time at a proud level of 3.7" TG! For a few folks 3.90/3.95 might be medium, but not many. Maybe 3 actually, lol.

Thanks for the follow up on LD as I knew he was hiding in his tent. Gotta love that trickle hunter

As for Keck, Is this two swims?

Gary


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## d.e. (Apr 5, 2005)

And therein lies the unappreciated beauty of dishing the dirt of your own follies of carnage. Your boyz know what they're getting, you're keeping real, and you don't have to get called out on the worldwide web for a less than honest assessment of perfect paddling season. The only reason I didn't swim this year is because I broke my leg skiing last winter, have continuing nerve damage (nerve damage *sucks!)* and haven't had the cojones to step up to anything other than the Animas town run this year. Last year though........:-D

PS: Sometimes it's key to read between the lines to understand the subtle misstatements of one's confession. It is a challenge to maintain confidence in the face of adversity. Chew on that for awhile, Grasshoppers. Peace.


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## Cutch (Nov 4, 2003)

Yeah, that is two swims for Keck. Joe, out of state swims still count... At least you never swam out of the pink boat, because then you would really suck. 

Fred, you couldn't produce enough ice cream to keep me paid off.


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## ToddG (Nov 29, 2003)

nice find Gar .. you pulled that quote outta the lockbox! 

i oughtta fess up before someone rips me apart .. i got on tatlow a cpl wks ago. i thought it would be cool to try out my new "Ammo" on that run. i'd never even sat in the boat before, but it looked like fun & i know tatlow pretty well -- big drops, big pools, low volume. i didn't even bring my Burn, just the Ammo. 

we get to the takeout & chris runs to check the pixie pool for the level .. comes back grinning "it's all good!" no more info than that .. i knew what was up though, shit was high. it's not like i'm *not* gonna put in though -- it's tatlow & it's so good! so we're on the water & literally EVERY SINGLE rapid, i'm subbing out, getting stopped in little holes, or fighting big ones, not making my lines, doing backenders & stuff. the level was way higher than i'd ever been in there & the pools/eddies were not as accomodating as i remembered. it got scary pretty quick & i went into survival mode .. just gotta get through this w/o getting tooled at a cpl critical places. 

well, i dropped into the double-ledge thing after the 30-footer, sideways, flipping, on a flailed-out brace, no momentum & right in the heart of the horseshoe. i swear i didn't wait 3 seconds -- i was OUT!  didn't even try! kinda embarassing really. the beatings continued, except for on the big Wall drop, where i assumed that they were going to have to dig me out from under the wall when the water dropped .. but i didn't even get my head wet .. go figure. 

i ended up walking out at the big drop at the bottom, which is another story altogether. i think i'm going to love the ammo, but i need to paddle it on something a little more reasonable than a blown-out 1000 fpm box canyon run.


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## d.e. (Apr 5, 2005)

I'm having a really hard visualizing a 1000fpm creek. I've scouted Canyon / Crazy Woman which is like 780fpm and I was like, " I'll take pictures or something ?( *WTF* ) for y'all ". Wait till y'all get to 40something, the reality checks only get better.


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## Gary E (Oct 27, 2003)

Cutch, Keck did swim in his pink boat in NSV. 

Conversation between me and Gordon

Gordo-come down and hit nsv with us
Ge-whos going
G-a bunch of newbies
ge-no thanks, i'll pass

ge-how did it go
G-carnage everywhere
ge-who 
G-some dude showed up to nsv in a pink kayak.
ge-no brainer on what happened there
G-yep
sorry Joe, gotta be tougher if you're paddling that kind of pink.

DE- canyon creek sucks. That last falls hurts.
Gary


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## JCKeck1 (Oct 28, 2003)

Well Gary, since you asked...NSV made 3. I'm taking DE's advice here. Clearwater creek, Embudo and NSV. That being said I'm at 73 days this season on almost entirely class V. Percentage wise, I'm pretty comfortable where I'm at compared to others. I'll never claim to be the best boater, but I do like to be in it. Interested in the Black the weekend after the East coast?
Joe


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