# Ark Guides Vs. Everyone else in Colorado



## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

Is it just me or are guides who worked/work on the Ark less safe, more douchebaggy and generally arrogant? I think so. I think there are too many companies down which translates into unqualified raft guides. Just my thoughts. Attack at will.


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## liquidchaos (Jul 11, 2005)

If you ran browns a thousand times a summer you would that way too.


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## jmack (Jun 3, 2004)

So you are better at floating down class 3 than other people? Cool.


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## junkshowriverchick (Oct 3, 2008)

Why the nastiness? Did you get drunk and lose your shoes one too many times at Disco?


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## FLOWTORCH (Mar 5, 2004)

Rivertrollish said:


> Is it just me or are guides who worked/work on the Ark less safe, more douchebaggy and generally arrogant? I think so. I think there are too many companies down which translates into unqualified raft guides. Just my thoughts. Attack at will.


It's you. 

Fact: guides everywhere are douchebaggy.

With the exception being the two or three I paddle with, of course.

Another neat little factoid for ya.....lots, and I mean lots of people in Colorado are douchebags. Just look at the west slope.


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## smauk2 (Jun 24, 2009)

Hmmm this person might be trolling. It's not like this is their first post and their name has the word troll in it.

Takes one to know one I guess...


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## phillersk (Apr 24, 2006)

Wow, hell of a first post there rivertrollish. What jaded syphilitic experience brought you to this conclusion?


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## FLOWTORCH (Mar 5, 2004)

They're obviously trolling and an alias. And doubtful they're from ft collins. 

...but its a fair question...

I should include a smiley face so as to not hurt anyone's butt.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

junkshowriverchick said:


> Why the nastiness? Did you get drunk and lose your shoes one too many times at Disco?


Disco? Oh you mean the place where the river community goes to be seen? Or the river trash goes to beat up on girls and look for their latest STD? No I choose to stay away from the debauchery/STD sharing that occurs there. I just think Ark guides are more douche-baggy than most. It probably is just me, but if you think the same way, say something. I'm sure you all have ran into the arrogant Ark guide. I just wanted to have a discussion on this. Also, I think trolling is when you hang your [email protected]#k out of your pants at a party and whatever girl takes the bait, now that is trolling.


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

trolling aside...

the few i've had the chance to interact with were awesome. especially the one who made his customers paddle upstream to help retrieve a friends boat that was recirculating in a hole next to an undercut. if anything, i feel bad for ignorantly buying them 2 cases of beer from the grocery store and not the real stuff. hope they enjoyed it anyway.


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## JCKeck1 (Oct 28, 2003)

I am THE Ark guide. I lame claim to all stereotypes above, especially about being the best. Winning!
Joe


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

nmalozzi said:


> trolling aside...
> 
> the few i've had the chance to interact with were awesome. especially the one who made his customers paddle upstream to help retrieve a friends boat that was recirculating in a hole next to an undercut. if anything, i feel bad for ignorantly buying them 2 cases of beer from the grocery store and not the real stuff. hope they enjoyed it anyway.


Grocery Store beer? Are you effing kidding me? I guess it's not that bad, most raft guides go after the PBR and 3.2 beer is not far off.


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## jconnsurf (Mar 7, 2010)

nicely said joe. troll, why not come down to the ark this summer, when it is raging over 4000 cfs. listen to the safety talks from the different companies, watch their lines through brown's canyon, since the gorge, pine creek, and the numbers will be closed for some time due to the high water, then tell me about all the arrogance, and showboating that you witness. i have been guiding for eleven years on the ark, and my guests safety is my number one priority. i have been humbled by the river, as have my fellow guides, and aside from the occasional guide acting like a jackass, most take their jobs very seriously and professionally. maybe you didn't make the cut? is that your reason for such ignorance? better luck the next time down the river!


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## carvedog (May 11, 2005)

I am the best guide on the Ark and I have never even worked there. 

I piss on you all from a considerable height. 

Just remember it's not easy being me.


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Rivertrollish said:


> Grocery Store beer? Are you effing kidding me? I guess it's not that bad, most raft guides go after the PBR and 3.2 beer is not far off.


Yes it was our mistake, and we knew it. So we tried to supply it in quantity to make up for its quality. It was the only place open at the time. So we did what we could.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

jconnsurf said:


> nicely said joe. troll, why not come down to the ark this summer, when it is raging over 4000 cfs. listen to the safety talks from the different companies, watch their lines through brown's canyon, since the gorge, pine creek, and the numbers will be closed for some time due to the high water, then tell me about all the arrogance, and showboating that you witness. i have been guiding for eleven years on the ark, and my guests safety is my number one priority. i have been humbled by the river, as have my fellow guides, and aside from the occasional guide acting like a jackass, most take their jobs very seriously and professionally. maybe you didn't make the cut? is that your reason for such ignorance? better luck the next time down the river!


Nope, didn't *pay* some yahoo in the valley to show me how to guide. Let me guess, you must work for Billy D, or Noah's. Does anyone know if the customers at Noahs pray for a safe trip before departing?


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## kayakben (Jul 1, 2005)

I think Ark guides (and most river people) are usually cool...I think judgmental people who use a forum, intended to bring us all together, to publicly post rude opinions are douchbags. I've spent plenty of time talking trash...and regret most of it, there's no reason to be an asshole.


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## gh (Oct 13, 2003)

FLOWTORCH said:


> They're obviously trolling and an alias. And doubtful they're from ft collins.
> 
> ...but its a fair question...
> 
> I should include a smiley face so as to not hurt anyone's butt.


I would say that you hit that one right on the nose.


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## FLOWTORCH (Mar 5, 2004)

carvedog said:


> I piss on you all from a considerable height.


Winner winner Sheen dinner! What a great signature/bumper sticker. 

I knew a Poudre guide that made some friends sign _his own_ waivers to take them down the riv in his own boat. That's kinda douchey, right?


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## junkshowriverchick (Oct 3, 2008)

oh, you are adorable.

i worked the ark for 2 seasons, i don't think any guide i met on that river was anything close to a 'douchebag'...maybe we partied a lot...but no more than the boatmen on the colorado or gauley...

out on the river, everyone i worked with was a professional and highly trained. i learned a lot on the ark. i guarantee that any of the guides out there would do everything in their power to help any other boater clean up a mess...even those with bad attitudes and prejudices. that's part of the whitewater ethic...


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## JCKeck1 (Oct 28, 2003)

Rivertrollish said:


> Nope, didn't *pay* some yahoo in the valley to show me how to guide. Let me guess, you must work for Billy D, or Noah's. Does anyone know if the customers at Noahs pray for a safe trip before departing?


Oh yea, they definitely pray before every trip, but not for safety generally. They pray that they won't encounter me or any of the hard charging Mank Crew crushing our way through their Kumbya singing flotilla in the middle of Zume Flume. At this time I'd like to claim all stereotypes coming below also.
Joe


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## smauk2 (Jun 24, 2009)

I think what RiverTrollish is really trying to say is that he is upset he can't score with the female ark yeti guides. I know the feeling! You're paddling down browns, beautiful sunny day, hundreds of prepubescent teens cheering as you throw your first cartwheel. Then as you hit your roll on the fourth try, you see some seriously majestic armpit hair; braided. 

Shes fucking beautiful! A hint of a mustache shadow her upper lip. Her scent is strong enough to attract hobos from three miles away. A chin beard trickles down into her cleavage, increasing in thickness as it travels south. Shes strong as a mule, and probably not into guys, but hot damn!

So the next time you guys feel like arguing with rivertrollish, at least know where hes coming from. Hes just simply a heartbroken fellow who doesn't have a Sasquatch of a female river guide to hold him in her arms when hes feeling blue.


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## glenn (May 13, 2009)

As ridiculous as the OP's comment was the butt-hurt raft guides chiming in saying that no guides are douchebags is even more ridiculous. To be clear being a douchebag doesn't preclude you from running a safe trip or being knowledgeable/skilled.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

FLOWTORCH said:


> Winner winner Sheen dinner! What a great signature/bumper sticker.
> 
> I knew a Poudre guide that made some friends sign _his own_ waivers to take them down the riv in his own boat. That's kinda douchey, right?


 VERY VERY douchey. What do you mean by his own waivers? Really? Maybe he did not want them to sue him for his awesome raft. 
And to whoever thinks this site is to bring all together, please. The fact that you regulars have names for people who are not posting regularly. You have turned it into a us vs them place, meaning people who waste their day on here vs others who view this stuff to get a good laugh. How cool your world must be that you are a part of the mountain buzz gang. Does the more posts you post over bullshit ideas make you more credible on the river? I never said I was not a douchebag, I commented on how there seems to be more douchebags/river trash on the Ark. Must be the water.....


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## kayakben (Jul 1, 2005)

RiverTroll...why are you being such a jerk? (is it because you're behind the veil of your keyboard? would you really act like this face-to-face?)


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## Riparian (Feb 7, 2009)

smauk2 said:


> Shes fucking beautiful! A hint of a mustache shadow her upper lip. Her scent is strong enough to attract hobos from three miles away. A chin beard trickles down into her cleavage, increasing in thickness as it travels south. Shes strong as a mule, and probably not into guys, but hot damn!


I'm still laughing at that one.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

smauk2 said:


> I think what RiverTrollish is really trying to say is that he is upset he can't score with the female ark yeti guides. I know the feeling! You're paddling down browns, beautiful sunny day, hundreds of prepubescent teens cheering as you throw your first cartwheel. Then as you hit your roll on the fourth try, you see some seriously majestic armpit hair; braided.
> 
> Shes fucking beautiful! A hint of a mustache shadow her upper lip. Her scent is strong enough to attract hobos from three miles away. A chin beard trickles down into her cleavage, increasing in thickness as it travels south. Shes strong as a mule, and probably not into guys, but hot damn!
> 
> So the next time you guys feel like arguing with rivertrollish, at least know where hes coming from. Hes just simply a heartbroken fellow who doesn't have a Sasquatch of a female river guide to hold him in her arms when hes feeling blue.


No, no , no
My problem is I ATTRACT these kinda women. Always have and now am embracing it, dude, bull ***** need love too. Your comment on the beauty of most girls on the Ark makes you douchey too, we are all beautiful on the river, but don't let beauty be confused with douchery.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

kayakben said:


> RiverTroll...why are you being such a jerk? (is it because you're behind the veil of your keyboard? would you really act like this face-to-face?)


Kayakben,
Don't get your butt hurt. And if I was face to face with you, sure I'd say what I say on here. Besides AW or some other whitewater porn, I am not sure where I can have a discussion like this. I just want to see if others think ARK guides are more douchebaggy like I do? Lets hear from guides who have guided more than just the Ark, and see what they have to say.
Baby Jesus, we just pray that you will give our guide the knowledge to get us down the river. Lord we just pray that our paddle strokes are like little knives in the water, slicing it while propelling us from danger. Lastly lord please keep us all safe and please do not let the boat flip.


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## OleMissBoater (May 22, 2007)

Rivertrollish said:


> No, no , no
> My problem is I ATTRACT these kinda women. Always have and now am embracing it, dude, bull ***** need love too. Your comment on the beauty of most girls on the Ark makes you douchey too, we are all beautiful on the river, but don't let beauty be confused with douchery.


So... Where in Pueblo do you live?


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## carvedog (May 11, 2005)

Rivertrollish said:


> Does the more posts you post over bullshit ideas make you more credible on the river? I never said I was not a douchebag.......


I have seven hundred posts about the best way to tuck in the tails of straps and how to make the best coffee on the river. How dare you question my authority!!!

Thank God you admit your douchebaggery. 

Do you compost your coffee grounds after you get off the river? I do and it makes me superior in every way.


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## kayakben (Jul 1, 2005)

River Troll, it's not that my butt hurts, I just don't see the value (or even the point) of a post like yours. What are you trying to accomplish? Do you want to know that there are other people like you: people who don't like Ark guides? If so, then what, you can all sit around hating Ark guides together...yay! That sounds like tons of fun.


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## riverrat (Jan 20, 2007)

Is it just me, or is this thread more of an off season one? I would just expect it more in December or January when there's little boating to be done and we have nothing better to do but talk smack.


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## Jensjustduckie (Jun 29, 2007)

kayakben said:


> River Troll, it's not that my butt hurts, I just don't see the value (or even the point) of a post like yours. What are you trying to accomplish? Do you want to know that there are other people like you: people who don't like Ark guides? If so, then what, you can all sit around hating Ark guides together...yay! That sounds like tons of fun.


Ben - you're reading WAY too much into this - he's a river troll he's SUPPOSED to be a d-bag so he can make folks like you angry and troll you along like little fishies behind a worm with a hook in it...


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

kayakben said:


> River Troll, it's not that my butt hurts, I just don't see the value (or even the point) of a post like yours. What are you trying to accomplish? Do you want to know that there are other people like you: people who don't like Ark guides? If so, then what, you can all sit around hating Ark guides together...yay! That sounds like tons of fun.


Sometimes people do not know their douchbags until you point it out to them. And yes this post is basically shit talking about ark guides and yes this post is off season. You are all so smart, but I can't be the only one out there that thinks this. How many companies currently operate on the Ark? Arkansas River = Shit Show.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

carvedog said:


> I have seven hundred posts about the best way to tuck in the tails of straps and how to make the best coffee on the river. How dare you question my authority!!!
> 
> Thank God you admit your douchebaggery.
> 
> Do you compost your coffee grounds after you get off the river? I do and it makes me superior in every way.


Coffee Grounds = Micro Trash to me, way too big of a mess to toat that shit out with you.


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## SimpleMan (Dec 17, 2009)

What kind of cooler should I get? Pins and clips or oarlocks? Anyone?


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Rivertrollish paddles a Saturn. True Story.


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## TakemetotheRiver (Oct 4, 2007)

I'll bite since even though there's water, I'm working today.

I don't guide on the Ark, and "down here" we save the D-bag award for a company in particular, but I prefer to call them out on the water than on the Internet, so I'll leave it at that.

Back OT, I spent about 6 hours (due to a delayed shuttle process) at the Gorge put in last summer and watched several different companies run trips with hundreds of tourists. Every single one of them was polite, if not friendly (they were busy), seemed knowledgeable and professional, and efficient.

An outsider's point of view for the record.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

Get the cooler that keeps your beer cold. Oar locks and pins and clips are for pussies!


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

nmalozzi said:


> Rivertrollish paddles a Saturn. True Story.


Oh so now your a boat snob? Adding to my stereotype about douchbags in the valley. Saturns get people from the put-in to the take out. What else do you need?


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## FLOWTORCH (Mar 5, 2004)

Rivertrollish said:


> we are all beautiful on the river


Wait, what? 

Maybe April "Funbags" Clark but you havent seen the women around here on the river.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

FLOWTORCH said:


> Wait, what?
> 
> Maybe April "Funbags" Clark but you havent seen the women around here on the river.


POUDRE GIRLS ARE HOTTER THAN ARK GIRLS, they like it up the poudre dude.


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Rivertrollish said:


> Oh so now your a boat snob? Adding to my stereotype about douchbags in the valley. Saturns get people from the put-in to the take out. What else do you need?


And you only by chinese made coolers from wal-mart.


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## lmyers (Jun 10, 2008)

Rivertrollish said:


> Baby Jesus, we just pray that you will give our guide the knowledge to get us down the river. Lord we just pray that our paddle strokes are like little knives in the water, slicing it while propelling us from danger. Lastly lord please keep us all safe and please do not let the boat flip.


Pretty low....I would never do a trip with Noah's, but they are the biggest company on the Ark, probably in the state...so they must be doing something right. Plus Noah's is one of the few companies you never hear about having injuries or fatalities.


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## Grif (May 21, 2008)

Arkansas River guides are a buncha durn qweers. I'd rather take a kick to the pecker than run the numbers at any level and thats the best they got.

Ansd whats all this talk 'bout lady guides? There women is hairy and there mens hair is long. How can ya'll tell the diffrence? I'd hate to get back to Kogans and find a pecker on sum feller in a dress!


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

lmyers said:


> Pretty low....I would never do a trip with Noah's, but they are the biggest company on the Ark, probably in the state...so they must be doing something right. Plus Noah's is one of the few companies you never hear about having injuries or fatalities.


That's cause for some reason Christians like to go rafting. They also do not like tipping their guide rather claiming Jesus kept them safe. Even the ones from Texas who will tell you God wants them to be rich and others poor, it's cause their better believers. So go "pretty low" yourself! Noah's is just another example of how Ark guides are more douchebagnified.


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Rivertrollish said:


> That's cause for some reason Christians like to go rafting. They also do not like tipping their guide rather claiming Jesus kept them safe. Even the ones from Texas who will tell you God wants them to be rich and others poor, it's cause their better believers. So go "pretty low" yourself! Noah's is just another example of how Ark guides are more douchebagnified.


noah's is the nudist rafting outfit right? are christians allowed to boat there?


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## pinemnky13 (Jun 4, 2007)

I beleive I am the best guide this state has ever seen, thae oicture to the left is proof, I can talk my clients into hitting any hole on the river and get through it. Then I get em to clean out the groover, walk the dogs and clean the kitty litter and they feel good about it( must be the bad prosthetic eye ball and the fact I leave the bridge holding my front two teeth during the high tourist season). Shit sometimes they let me take their sister down the river at dusk!


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

nmalozzi said:


> And you only by chinese made coolers from wal-mart.


You bigot [email protected]#$%F^&&*! NRS is made in Mexico, Saturn in Korea, we live in a global economy. If you and your friends didn't flip your shit and have to have ark guides save your ass, there would be no need to worry about what cooler to use or if it were made in China or fucking Chad for that matter. If it gets down the river and is empty, it did its job. Elitist bigot mo fo!


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## islandertek (Apr 4, 2008)

smauk2 said:


> I think what RiverTrollish is really trying to say is that he is upset he can't score with the female ark yeti guides. I know the feeling! You're paddling down browns, beautiful sunny day, hundreds of prepubescent teens cheering as you throw your first cartwheel. Then as you hit your roll on the fourth try, you see some seriously majestic armpit hair; braided.
> 
> Shes fucking beautiful! A hint of a mustache shadow her upper lip. Her scent is strong enough to attract hobos from three miles away. A chin beard trickles down into her cleavage, increasing in thickness as it travels south. Shes strong as a mule, and probably not into guys, but hot damn!
> 
> So the next time you guys feel like arguing with rivertrollish, at least know where hes coming from. Hes just simply a heartbroken fellow who doesn't have a Sasquatch of a female river guide to hold him in her arms when hes feeling blue.


OK......this is just too funny!! :grin: I know I'm late to the thread, but DAMN this is funny!!! I can't stop laughing at work!! My wife is a new guide for USAFA. She just started rafting last year and has been talking about all the chick guides being a little "rough around the edges"......she's been told she's not raft guide material until she fits the description mentioned by "smauk2" above!! Ha Haaaaa!! This post had her laughing so hard....I always give her shit about being a girl raft guide...and this just gave me more ammo to haggle!!  Thanks for the laugh!! Ha Haaaaaa!!! STICKY for Hot Raft Guide!!!!


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## carvedog (May 11, 2005)

Rivertrollish said:


> If it gets down the river and is empty, it did its job. Elitist bigot mo fo!


Pot meet kettle.


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## Roy (Oct 30, 2003)

Not a big fan of the art of the troll myself and don't really care to get involved for the most part, but I've gotta say--six pages in a little over 3 hours is an impressive haul! 

_**Edited to update to 6 pages**_


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## slamkal (Apr 8, 2009)

Dude quit knocking the fuckin Chad cooler industry. You try keeping ice solid in 130 degree desert!!!


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

islandertek said:


> OK......this is just too funny!! :grin: I know I'm late to the thread, but DAMN this is funny!!! I can't stop laughing at work!! My wife is a new guide for USAFA. She just started rafting last year and has been talking about all the chick guides being a little "rough around the edges"......she's been told she's not raft guide material until she fits the description mentioned by "smauk2" above!! Ha Haaaaa!! This post had her laughing so hard....I always give her shit about being a girl raft guide...and this just gave me more ammo to haggle!!  Thanks for the laugh!! Ha Haaaaaa!!! STICKY for Hot Raft Guide!!!!


I'll call your wife a "guide" if she wants. And it sounds like if your wife is in the the air force (not sure what guide for USAFA means) and guides rafts. She is cooler and tougher than you, unless she guides on the Ark, then it's a tie for coolness between you two.


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## JCKeck1 (Oct 28, 2003)

Rivertrollish said:


> Get the cooler that keeps your beer cold. Oar locks and pins and clips are for pussies!


Finally you said something legit! The buzz is finally getting back on track after months and months of bullshit.

Also, USAFA guides are the best in the industry. They give up the carne like it's their god damn job - like they've been instructed only by Gauley guides! There is nothing on this planet more fun than watching a USAFA herd float into Sunshine! 

Noah's on the other hand is complete crap. They don't run anything but Browns because it's the only place they can tie 20 boats together to allow the single marginally competent class II guide dictate the lines.


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Rivertrollish said:


> You bigot [email protected]#$%F^&&*! NRS is made in Mexico, Saturn in Korea, we live in a global economy. If you and your friends didn't flip your shit and have to have ark guides save your ass, there would be no need to worry about what cooler to use or if it were made in China or fucking Chad for that matter. If it gets down the river and is empty, it did its job. Elitist bigot mo fo!


So let me get this all straight then... you paddle a Saturn, with a China made wal-mart cooler that is strapped into a mexican made NRS frame? Man, talk about cross pollination! You ain't worried all that species mixin won't result in some evil beasty that will eat your turkey legs before you? Whew! I would sure be worried. 

By the way who's chad? Is he the one bringing the PBR to our nudist trip down the brown?


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## Wack-Attack (Oct 1, 2010)

The Ark is a very different vibe I will give ya that! But I remember a few seasons ago one of you much better Colorado guides coming out to run browns, forgot about big drop and smashed the drop along with one of your ladies heads. Though we get paid by the trip and not by the hour or company pulled over emptied all of our dry clothes to this poor girl that took a pretty hard hit to the head. She was freezing cold and we were worried about her so we gave up many clothes expecting that you were all honest guides that would return our gear to us with hopefully some beer.

What did we get instead? No gear, no beer, no thanks... We got the honor of seeing you the next day with the nerve to ask us on a commercial to retrieve a dropped PBR. 

So I think it is pretty easy to tell who the douche is here. No we aren't all perfect but I would trust almost all of the guides there to have my back on the river, weather it be the Ark or some other great river. (all true except for the oardlers aka noah's that has an oar frame on 99% of their boats and people with paddles, just pick one already)


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

nmalozzi said:


> So let me get this all straight then... you paddle a Saturn, with a China made wal-mart cooler that is strapped into a mexican made NRS frame? Man, talk about cross pollination! You ain't worried all that species mixin won't result in some evil beasty that will eat your turkey legs before you? Whew! I would sure be worried.
> 
> By the way who's chad? Is he the one bringing the PBR to our nudist trip down the brown?


Now I think you might have a problem with Koreans, Mexicans and Chinese all of which have boater populations on the rise. I have heard someone painted "SUR 13" on the side of the Royal Gorge Canyon.


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## lmyers (Jun 10, 2008)

Rivertrollish said:


> Don't hate.


 
Isn't that what this thread is all about?


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Rivertrollish said:


> Now I think you might have a problem with Koreans, Mexicans and Chinese all of which have boater populations on the rise. I have heard someone painted "SUR 13" on the side of the Royal Gorge Canyon. That tells me that if they were in their NRS raft and they knew what they were doing and therefore NRS holds up to its reputation. Don't hate.


Wait... hold the bus. Are you telling me we have Mexican's in Colorado? 

So Chad's bringing the PBR then or no? Need to know if I should stop at King Soopers.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

lmyers said:


> Isn't that what this thread is all about?


I don't hate ark guides. Nor do I hate Chinese coolers or Korean and Mexican rafts. NOR do I hate the lovely ladies of the Ark. You are jumping to conclusions. You and others are the ones throwing Noahs into the chundery hole. Others apparently don't like the honeys on the Ark and even others have problems with certain nationalities and how they construct their river equipment. I just said I think Ark guides are more douchey than the rest of Colorado guides.


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## willieWAO (Jun 14, 2005)

Rivertrollish said:


> Get the cooler that keeps your beer cold. Oar locks and pins and clips are for pussies!


I think second year guides are pretty arrogant. You must be the best guide on the Poudre, since your a second year! YAY.

Any third year guide (or more..) knows the difference between oar locks and pins and clips.... They are different things!! hahah...

and BTW, exiting the river, loading boats and people on the bus, portaging pine view falls, driving 1/4 mile down river, unloading boats and people and putting back on the river sounds more like something for people like YOU.

keep posting, it shows how inexperienced and inconsiderate you really are, not to mention its funny....


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## riverlivin13 (Mar 22, 2010)

oh wacker don't be bitter!!!! a long season to come saving all theese private boaters!!!!!oh and troll... i think i have your sandals from that disco night that you caught that std.... you all have me to thank for all those years of wed nights at the rope. everybody keep it real.... "we're all just inbetween swims".... so pick me up if ya see me swimmin'!!! peace!!!


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## willieWAO (Jun 14, 2005)

i bet you have never even used oars before.... except maybe that one time you used pins and clips on the mighty upper colorado! (which, BTW, qualifies you as a class 5 oarsman......)


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Rivertrollish said:


> I just said I think Ark guides are more douchey than the rest of Colorado guides.


Are you using the Douche meter on the iPhone, or is this more of an analog comparison? Score cards, notes, or just general hypothesis? Maybe we can get behind you more on this cause if we knew what your research is based around?


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

willieWAO said:


> I think second year guides are pretty arrogant. You must be the best guide on the Poudre, since your a second year! YAY.
> 
> Any third year guide (or more..) knows the difference between oar locks and pins and clips.... They are different things!! hahah...
> 
> ...


Whoa there willie! There is a steep learning curve your second year. Also Oar locks and Pins and Clips are both for pussies, any first year raft guide could tell you that, unless of course apparently if you work for Noahs. What is Pine View Falls?


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## willieWAO (Jun 14, 2005)

Oh, right, i forgot that second year guides are in fact, THE BEST. Seeing as how your entering your second year, you will learn about pine view soon.

For now, just keep to your filter plant run with your mexican jalopy boat rig.


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## Rivertrollish (Apr 26, 2011)

willieWAO said:


> Oh, right, i forgot that second year guides are in fact, THE BEST. Seeing as how your entering your second year, you will learn about pine view soon.
> 
> For now, just keep to your filter plant run with your mexican jalopy boat rig.


Don't be a racist man!


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## Kendi (May 15, 2009)

Holy crap- this is the funniest thing I've ever read (aside from the gal who 'bout lost her life). As a female guide who in fact shaves and bathes regularly (shocking I know) all I can say is you folks in CO must be a little loopy from the altitude..... gotta be something anyway.

thanks for the chuckle...it made my day!


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## willieWAO (Jun 14, 2005)

Altitude?
No, its all the green "medicine."


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## gapers (Feb 14, 2004)

Like any of this matters,most guides are clueless dipshits anyways. Its not really a secret. I've met a few that get after it,but the majority are found in the back of a newspaper. Wow,you took a swiftwater rescue class.....you're so rad!...By all means,fuck my sister.

And Kendi,i hope you're a woman,i get douchechills when I hear a grown man use the word "chuckle." Or "yumminess." And i'm seein a trend coming out've the PNW. Turn in your man card,bitches.


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## tango (Feb 1, 2006)

this is total horseshit. 

as one of the most arrogant, unsafe, Ark valley douchebag river guides around... i have to say that the hippy, low-life, intoxicated, and grossly negligent fuckers that push rubber on the New and Gauley rivers in WV really take the cake. those motherfuckers ain't worth the dope inside their pelican boxes. 

come on, a little credit where credit is due.


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## phillersk (Apr 24, 2006)

Rivertrollish said:


> I'll call your wife a "guide" if she wants. And it sounds like if your wife is in the the air force (not sure what guide for USAFA means) and guides rafts. She is cooler and tougher than you, unless she guides on the Ark, then it's a tie for coolness between you two.



How can you know anything about the Ark and not know about USAFA? "Royal Gorge Canyon"? Really?


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## billfish (Nov 22, 2009)

gapers said:


> Like any of this matters,most guides are clueless dipshits anyways. Its not really a secret. I've met a few that get after it,but the majority are found in the back of a newspaper. Wow,you took a swiftwater rescue class.....you're so rad!...By all means,fuck my sister.
> 
> And Kendi,i hope you're a woman,i get douchechills when I hear a grown man use the word "chuckle." Or "yumminess." And i'm seein a trend coming out've the PNW. Turn in your man card,bitches.


 
wow, i guess it's not about guides after all. even being "not a guide" in colorado gives you a headstart on being a jackass. i don't know how you all live down there.


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## rebel1916 (Aug 20, 2010)

tango said:


> this is total horseshit.
> 
> as one of the most arrogant, unsafe, Ark valley douchebag river guides around... i have to say that the hippy, low-life, intoxicated, and grossly negligent fuckers that push rubber on the New and Gauley rivers in WV really take the cake. those motherfuckers ain't worth the dope inside their pelican boxes.
> 
> come on, a little credit where credit is due.


Hey asshole, I'm no kinda hippy!


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## cooldork (Aug 29, 2004)

I think a Aspen Guide takes the Big Douche award...

Some Aspen Guide (Douche) asked to borrow a cell phone to check why Douche's shuttle was running an hour late at #'s Take-out. So yea, we gave Douche a form of communication

Douche dial's 911...and told us Douche didn't understand how to work the cell phone


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## BoilermakerU (Mar 13, 2009)

Rivertrollish said:


> ...Saturns get people from the put-in to the take out...


So do Ark guides...

I personally have never had a bad experience on the Ark with any commercial guides. They've all been very professional, courteous and helpful at times, even to private boaters.

I'd put on the river with any of them over you anyday of the week...


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## bvwp1 (Oct 27, 2003)

*Pimp and Ho 2011
May 25th Buena Vista, Colorado, USA.
6pm- Raft Rodeo , BV Upper Wave
9 pm- Party Throw Down at the Rope - E Main St*

Brought to you by TAC, NRS, SKA, Rope and CKS

A great way to raise funds and awareness for the Ark. Thanks for all that the Ark guides to to keep paddlers having fun and being safe on the river.


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## Randaddy (Jun 8, 2007)

tango said:


> this is total horseshit.
> 
> as one of the most arrogant, unsafe, Ark valley douchebag river guides around... i have to say that the hippy, low-life, intoxicated, and grossly negligent fuckers that push rubber on the New and Gauley rivers in WV really take the cake. those motherfuckers ain't worth the dope inside their pelican boxes.
> 
> come on, a little credit where credit is due.


I'll take a night at Southern Exposure above a night at the Lariat any day.


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## mhelm (Jun 28, 2008)

Stereotyping is pretty juvenile, so I won't say anything bad about Ark guides. What I will say is that it does take a little skill to get overweight out of shape tourans/floridiots down any form of whitewater because they have an amusement park mentality. That being said, many guides don't understand or know how to read water. I've seen many that just want to memorize lines, which change depending on water levels. Most guides that take the time to boat for fun and learn how to read water do a better job all around, and they are the ones to be respected.

One more thing... most of the haters are just jealous that they have to go to real jobs and only get to be on the water 2 or 3 times a week. I miss the guiding days, but I try to get 100plus days a year on the water. 

This thread was cracking me up, so I had to say something. I also have to agree with Keck because Browns has to be one of the easiest stretches of whitewater to guide. The first time I saw it, I guided some people that flipped their private raft and were too freaked out to continue on their own. I though it was easy, and decently fun with few consequences!


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## Kendi (May 15, 2009)

gapers said:


> Like any of this matters,most guides are clueless dipshits anyways. Its not really a secret. I've met a few that get after it,but the majority are found in the back of a newspaper. Wow,you took a swiftwater rescue class.....you're so rad!...By all means,fuck my sister.
> 
> And Kendi,i hope you're a woman,i get douchechills when I hear a grown man use the word "chuckle." Or "yumminess." And i'm seein a trend coming out've the PNW. Turn in your man card,bitches.


And you must have selective reading abilities as well- yes I am a woman- I believe I stated that before I used such an offensive word such as "chuckle". I also have no desire to mess around with females. Now- if you're a good looking hunk of man-flesh that can reflip a raft in 20 seconds- I'm interested!
I understand that you're just jealous of real raft guides and most likely upset that delicate females have your dream job, so I will forgive your insensitivties.


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## widewhale (May 28, 2007)

This whole thread gave me a chuckle... in a reflip-a-raft-in-20-second, man kind of way, of course.


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## jen84 (Sep 5, 2005)

gapers said:


> Wow,you took a swiftwater rescue class.....you're so rad!...By all means,fuck my sister.
> .


I have been saying this in bars for seven years...


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## Sorkin (Aug 22, 2008)

Rivertrollish, i could not agree with you more. The guide on the ark. especially browns, are some of the most inconsiderate, rude people that i have ever come across. They have no sense of the power of the river and do not know how to leave space between you and them..


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## carvedog (May 11, 2005)

Sorkin said:


> Rivertrollish, i could not agree with you more. The guide on the ark. especially browns, are some of the most inconsiderate, rude people that i have ever come across. They have no sense of the power of the river and do not know how to leave space between you and them..


Maybe they have the sense of the power of the river and know how to leave space and choose not to yield to you because you are the kind of boater who agress with rivertroll. 

Maybe you deserve to be run over. 

One day you will all yield to my authority.


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## Matt J (May 27, 2005)

Having guided on both the Poudre and the Ark I feel obligated to post in this thread of nonsense.

I don't understand why douche bag is such an insult. Personally, I would take pride in contributing to female hygiene. Especially when it comes to raft guides.

Guides and non-guides everywhere... have an excellent season! Stay safe, she's gonna be big!


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## Wack-Attack (Oct 1, 2010)

Sorkin said:


> They have no sense of the power of the river and do not know how to leave space between you and them..


Yeah a few reasons for that, first it to give you some more reason to just pull over and have some beer. Second, get paid by the trip not the hour and the faster we get done the sooner we get a beer. Most most likely is that we are trying to ensure we are well a head of the Noah's fleet to avoid their 30 boats taking up all of Hectic Junction!


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

guides are great in comparison...


to rtd bus drivers. fucking clowns.


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## slavetotheflyrod (Sep 2, 2009)

Carvedog is my new hero

Shitheads throw shit, he throws poetry

I think he and I are smoking the same weed.


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## ranchman44 (Apr 16, 2009)

Hay 
I really met a lot of awesome guides last summer when I took 4 rafts out to float the ark . My whole family floats . a big cheer to the ark guides They werre really helpful on suggestions


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## cmike1 (Sep 10, 2006)

This is bullshit. The Female guides on the Ark DO NOT braid their pit hair. Their pubes on the other hand....


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## gapers (Feb 14, 2004)

Everytime I think of douchebags,I think of Keith Stat from Millburn,New Jersey...

YouTube - Wet Hot American Summer - Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey


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## steveo.evers (Apr 21, 2011)

I guided the ark. I don't think I'm a douche. There are definitly douches there, as well as everywhere else.

_I am the best at being humble, though._


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