# What You wish you could say but probably wont....



## Caspian (Oct 14, 2003)

Never thought I'd actually hear this, but someone on the Numbers asked me if we just "end up at the start and take out there".....yeah, of course. I just use a Subaru instead of a kayak.


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## BastrdSonOfElvis (Mar 24, 2005)

When people ask "how you fit in that thang?" I like to respond "with one leg in the front and one leg in back". You'd be amazed how many people make a face of understanding and shake their head up and down like "ohh."


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## Waterwindpowderrock (Oct 11, 2003)

Had an older lady tell me one day that she saw this poor kayaker having a really tough time & felt bad for him....the kayaker kept trying to paddle up this small hydraulic & kept flipping & cartwheeling, he never did make it up...

I thought this was great, I didn't even bother to explain!


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## soylent green (Jul 8, 2004)

Conversation with a bystander at Golden playpark this summer:

Bystander: "Is that hard to learn?"

Me: "kinda"

Bystander: "Does it go all the way around?"

Me: "What the kayak?"

Bystander: "The river" :shock: 

I was too astounded to come up with a smart ass answer. I came up with a ton later.
Some of the best answers ever for climin questions come from Devils Tower. Donut shop on top, no pitons b/c it's full of water etc.


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## asleep.at.the.oars (May 6, 2006)

A question I've had from guests on too many commercial trips to even count:
"When do we put out?"
Me: "Well, we take out in two days."

Probably 10% of our guests were under the impression that we would eventually float back to the put-in.


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## BastrdSonOfElvis (Mar 24, 2005)

Q: "When do we put out?"
A: "Any time you want to, baby, just let me know."

Talk about a nice tip.


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## Yonder_River (Feb 6, 2004)

Somewhat related, a buddy of mine used to guide on the Ark and said a customer once looked into the water and asked where the tracks were. I'd say that registers pretty high on the ignorance/stupidity scale.


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## rockinRio (Jul 3, 2006)

"Does this river flow uphill?"

"Yeah, only one in the world."

"WOW, that is so cool. What do you do with all the water?"

"Truck it back down the hill."

"No wonder the you guys are so expensive."

:roll:


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## Spankinamos (Jun 5, 2006)

i hiked to the bottom of the put-in steps at the tallulah in northeast georgia with a girl i was dating at the time. it was around new years and obviously not a release weekend. as we sat there winded from our descent of the 600 plus steps that lead to the put-in, she commented that it must really suck to hike your boat back up all those steps after paddling the river. i asked her what she was talking about and quickly learned that she thought the river flowed in a circle. pretty funny.


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## COUNT (Jul 5, 2005)

That's a good one.

"Where do you put your feet?"
"Umm, in the front of the boat."
"Yeah, but where?"

"How fast is the water today?"
Stick my paddle in the water to check,
"At least 30 or 40 miles an hour."
"Whoa. No wonder I flew out of the raft on that jump back there."
"No, that was because you weren't holding on."
"Yeah, because I was hangin' onto my oar, just like you told me to"
"Is that why I saw your paddle floating in the river before you fell out?"

While looking at pictures from Gore, Browns, and the Numbers:

"Hey, that's where we banged heads".
"Hey, that's the one where I pissed myself."
And my favorite: "Look, that's right after your head was in my ass."

Yes, these are all real and I know there are many more that I'm forgetting, too.

COUNT


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## Steve Zizzou (May 23, 2006)

"When do they stop the water on this section of the river?"

"Is my hair goig to get wet?" ME: Yup. "What if I sat back here with you?" ME: Yup! we are all going to get wet, including me..... Wondering where she went I looked at the Gun Smoke and saw her walking back to the boat with a shower cap on. Everyone looked at me guides, custies and so on. Nothing was said, just internal smiles and shits. 

"So, do we end up back at the car at the end of the river or do I need to take my things?"

"Has anyone every died while you were guiding?". And so on and so forth.


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## GAtoCSU (Apr 18, 2005)

BastrdSonOfElvis said:


> When people ask "how you fit in that thang?" I like to respond "with one leg in the front and one leg in back". You'd be amazed how many people make a face of understanding and shake their head up and down like "ohh."



I always told people that it's like a duck. Our legs just stick through.

Scott


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## tdm (Aug 4, 2005)

*STOP! STOP!*

"STOP! THERE ARE RAPIDS AHEAD!"


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## willieWAO (Jun 14, 2005)

I know a guide on the ark who had a custy put his keys underneath a rock at the put in, thinking thats where they would return to. the company had to drive him back to the put in to get the keys. People are always asking how deep the river is, how cold it is, etc. once i had this teenage dude ask if the water would make his face break out! you might expect that from a chick, but come on!


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## mvhyde (Feb 3, 2004)

*Two Fat kids fishing*

Fat Kid 1: How do you fit in that?

Me: I dislocate my knees and feet

Fat Kid 1: Oh man, that's so cool. You gonna go down that rapid

Me: Yeah, backwards

Fat Kid 2: On purpose?

Me: (getting annoyed) yup

Fat Kid 1: I bet I can do that

Me: (thinking: when you lose 200 lbs)

Fat Kid 2 to Fat Kid 1: Oh your fatass ain't gettin' in no damn kayak

Fat Kid 1 to Fat Kid 2: [email protected]#$ you! You're fatter than me

Fat Kid 2 to Fat Kid 1: Well so what, you're fatter than Mom.

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They proceeded to stop fishing and start fighting...ermmm wrestling like two hogs in a mud pit... I went and surfed


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## gh (Oct 13, 2003)

How do you keep a straight face if you are guiding and someone says this stuff? Since you are looking for a tip, I cant see where you can burst out laughing but the your fatter than mom would have made me laugh out loud. Well it did make me laugh out loud.
I have been asked most of these questions and I usually just grin and explain. Funny post.

greg


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## caverdan (Aug 27, 2004)

Are we going to get wet when we go through the rapids??? :shock:


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## Steve Zizzou (May 23, 2006)

In all honesy, I have noticed that more of a smart ass you are towards your custies (small children excluded) the more receptive they are and a better time they have and a better tip you get. Anyone else experience this?



"You know, I'd be jealous about you staying at Allie's place, except I always thought he was kind of a closet queer." -Steve Zissou


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## COUNT (Jul 5, 2005)

Yeah, generally true in my experience. I think maybe this thread should have been named "Things you tried to resist saying but couldn't" because I think most or all of these stories are true :lol:.

COUNT


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## jen84 (Sep 5, 2005)

Hey darlin' do you know where you are going? (Yeah dumbass) Cause if you don't I can take over (I hate Iowa)

Why are there people tubing next to us? (Cause it is Poudre low water)

At what elevation do deer turn into Elk? (I have no idea, really did you just ask that)

Which one of those guys are your boyfriend (That dumb looking one)

Is little Timmy gonna be ok? (Is Timmy going to stay in, are you going to paddle) Wait, wait let me get out the velcro

Why is that raft upside down in the rapids? (Rookies or its "the move" at this level)
Im going to miss all those damn customers!!!


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## knappco (Aug 4, 2006)

*BSW upper colorado Guest*

Guest; "what are all those crosses on the side of the river?"

Guide; "telephone poles" 

No joke!


Guest; "what are those orange balls on the power lines crossing the river for?"

Guide; There are two different species of squirrels on each side of the river and those balls keep the two squirrels from crossbreeding and hurting the ecosystem.


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## asleep.at.the.oars (May 6, 2006)

The deer into elk comment reminded me of when I was hiking for a living instead of boating. We got that question all the time. Or my favorite from that era: I was at the alpine visitor center on trail ridge road and heard someone say that they had just seen a manatee.


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## teamamericawp (Jun 29, 2006)

custy: When the tide goes out do the rapids get smaller?


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## rhm (May 16, 2006)

Q: how deep is the water here?

A: it goes all the way to the bottom.

one day i was guiding on a commercial trip. one of my friends, a local video boater, came paddling his kayak up behind my raft. he said hello and i asked him "are you playing or are you working?" i did not think it was that strange of a question. however, my crew of tourons thought that it was very strange that you couldn't tell by looking whether someone was playing or working. some of our questions are as funny to them as theirs are to us.

correct me if i am wrong,i haven't actually been there, but someone told me that the reason that some people think that they are going to take out where they put in is because of the "loop" section of the lower yough in pennsylvania. people do self guided rafts on a short section of river that literally loops around and comes back very near the put in.


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## GoodTimes (Mar 9, 2006)

Midwestern family (Indiana if I remember correctly): "what is that crazy high-pitch noise the "deer" make?"
Me: "well, that's actually when the deer are turning into Elk.....it's pretty painful".

I couldn't resist. I'd heard stories of similar questions in my guiding career, but just couldn't believe them UNTIL IT HAPPENED. I was poised. I ended up hearing many of the others that are posted on this thread as well. It's classic when someone asks a REALLY dumb question like that and realizes before the question is even finished how stupid it sounds!


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## swaney (Apr 27, 2006)

When I guided in North Carolina and Tennessee I got the same questions, but there were a couple I didn't see on this thread. "There are rocks sticking up, don't they have enough water?" And my favorite. "Are you going to blow up that raft all by yourself?" Well, I'm going to use a pump.


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## &d (Apr 28, 2006)

Q: Where are you're feet?
A: I don't know.
Q: Where did you get that boat?
A: I traded my feet for it.


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## vaultman14 (Feb 3, 2006)

"so what happens when you flip over?" 
haha


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## psu96 (May 9, 2006)

I was guiding the gorge(Ark) one day and a guy had brought a dry bag with him, I just thought he had water, sunscreen etc.... Right before sunshine he digs into it and starts to pull out a fishing rod... At what elevation do deer turn into elk???

I also had rock climbing clients ask me how often we painted the rocks(in Garden of the Gods...


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## DRACO18 (Jun 16, 2006)

I think that my favorite from this year guiding was: Did you guys put all of these rocks in here or is that natural? :roll: Also if I had a dollar for everytime that I got ask Does this river go in a circle? (or some variation) I could stop guiding and retire. :lol:


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## Steve Zizzou (May 23, 2006)

Hey Jen84,

GO IOWA HAWKEYES!!!!!!!

No need to bash Iowa in front of old Stevesie here.




"That pregnant slut is playing us like a cheap fiddle!" -Steve Zissou


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## IkayakNboard (May 12, 2005)

I had a first year kayaker come up to me at work a while back to tell me about some guys he saw in Boulder Creek. "They didn't have any legs, so the kayaks were super thin. They kept trying to surf this one hole, but everytime they got close to it, it sucked them completely under water. I never thought kayaking was a big sport for people without legs." I then had to tell him about squirt boatiing, and how it's this odd sub-culture of kayaking, where the people just have chicken legs enabling them to fit in those thin boats. "The real serious squirt boaters will spend all winter in a wheelchair to keep thier legs from developing any muscle mass, so they can get even thinner boats. Most of them look like the Hulk from the waste up, but Calista Flockhart from the waste down." All he said was "Wow, what idiots". Funny, that's just what I was thinking.


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## &d (Apr 28, 2006)

IkayakNboard, thats really funny, for the last few days Ive been trying to figure out how I can ski this winter without my legs getting any bigger.


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## GoodTimes (Mar 9, 2006)

What do we do if YOU fall out of the raft?.......stop paddling immediately, especially if there's a big gnarly rock downstream. Throw your paddles over board, for that matter, and just huddle in the middle.......I'll be back in a bit. OR, you can just join me.......cause you probably will before too long anyway.


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## willieWAO (Jun 14, 2005)

Hey, heres a good answer for "How deep is the river?"

Its up to a ducks waist and over a fish's head


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## rhm (May 16, 2006)

when i guided in west virginia i got a few questions about whether we built the rapids. i thought people must be insane to think that anyone would build rapids.why would you build rapids when mother nature gives you everything you could want? then i came to colorado where good natural playholes are few and far between. people are building rapids in play parks all over this state. it isn't a wonder that people now think that all rapids are built.


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## GoodTimes (Mar 9, 2006)

The upper Ocoee is one of the largest man-made whitewater sections in the country (built for the Atlanta Olympics). But yes, I would agree that the goofiest questions I've ever heard were when guiding in the south. "Is there a passing lane down the river.....how do you get past the other rafts?". No, but ya'll should have passing lanes on your sidewalks.


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## rhm (May 16, 2006)

when someone asks you "do you know how to roll?" say "sure" and act like you are rolling a joint.


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## crcreeker (Jun 28, 2006)

Real funny... definitely a few rafting classics there

My own favorite: towards the end of a commercial trip down the pacuare river, we float through a beautiful stone gorge, about 300 feet tall. The place is just magical, and people just sit in silence, admiring the whole setting. Anyway, this lady just turns around and asks me (with a genuine look of interest on her face): 

"Excuse me, how thick are these walls?"

No comment...


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## dwk (Oct 16, 2003)

On Foxton last year, I got "Do you just paddle back up to your car when you're done?"


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## Ifloat (Sep 7, 2004)

Some funny stuff. Remindes me of working at winter park , just cause people would ask where we put the moguls during the summer? The maintainance shed , of course we don't want them to melt over the summer.


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## Suze (Mar 1, 2005)

The old TV commercial for some Colorado ski area with that guy preparing the moguls - I do believe they were metal frames, no?


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## Andy H. (Oct 13, 2003)

Many years ago in Summit County there was a pretty subversive local's weekly that actually had a section where they compiled the dumbest questions and comments their readers had heard. 

Its not unusual that folks leave their brain and common sense at home during their vacation - just beware, that may be you someday, somewhere!


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## bosco (Feb 6, 2004)

A classic one heard by some friends on the Western slope...
"What elevation do deer turn into elk?"


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## Eddy Groover (Mar 25, 2005)

My two favorite lines that I used while rafting Brown's Canyon one summer- 
See those animals up on the bank they really aren't cows they're an endangered species, indigenous to Colorado they're called Slow Elk, very, very rare.

The other one I used at lunch, You see all of these rocks we are standing on? Well, after a summer of tourist throwing them in the river they all end up on the other side of the river. Next year we'll eat lunch on the other side and throw all the rocks back to this side. 

I had custy believe every word of it too!


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## farp (Nov 4, 2003)

I worked in Steamboat years ago. A woman called and asked "What time does the snow get there?" I told her "Winter time."

We had a woman book with us on the Upper Colorado. She was a new mother and she asked if she could bring a breast pump on the boat so she could pump during lunch to relieve the pressure. Don't ask me where she dumped the milk.


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## phillersk (Apr 24, 2006)

I've guided on the ark and colorado and heard many a question. Some others that guides hear every day:

"How can the river flow west when south is down?" (think of a map)
"Have you ever done this before" - No, I did watch the video last night though.
"What happens if you fall out?" - You get wet
"How did the rocks get here?"
"Can we flip?"

I also enjoy seeing if they will believe things like:

Pointing out cows as "Rocky Mountain Waterbuffalo" 

Explaining that the drainage pipes that go under the roads and railroad tracks leading to the river are "deer chutes". Allowing the deer to get to the river and drink without crossing the dangerous road. The concrete ones are for the bighorn sheep.


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