# I miss my old life



## aaronraines (Oct 8, 2010)

I’m sitting in a hotel room outside NYC thinking about my life, and the choices I’ve made that have landed me where I am now. I am not camping, living out of my car and kayaking every day. I am not surrounded by the people who make me the happiest and who I trust my life with. I am not tending bar or waiting tables, nor am I participating in the occasional safety meeting here and there. I am not living in the moment and I am not carefree. I have entered the corporate white colored world of business meetings, conference calls, and expense reports. 

Like a movie real playing in my mind, over and over, sitting in my kayak in an eddy, facing up stream. Eyes closed, I’ve memorized the rapid, each move, each hazard, what line I need to have. My heart beats fast. I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth. My prayers consist not of safe passage, but of gratitude for the experiences I’ve been fortunate to have on planet earth; the good, the bad, even the ugly. What seems like four or five lifetimes of adventure, I appreciate every last one and the incredible people I’ve met along the way. Kayaking is not a hobby for me but a way I choose to live my life. She is not conniving or scandalous and she commands respect. She is always there when you need her. She is challenging, loyal, sexy, charismatic and electric. She is encompasses everything that is genuine, sincere, and real. I respect her more than I respect myself. She is the doorway to an incredible life and I love her for that. 

I miss my old life.


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## caspermike (Mar 9, 2007)

Aaron broseph we need to boat again at least you do, its on me man lets fin go...


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## mania (Oct 21, 2003)

That was well said Aaron. I miss my old raft guiding life but not my old income. Weekend warrioring has its merits. Make the best of the situation you are in.


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## Gremlin (Jun 24, 2010)

Life evolves and revolves. Don't give up hope. You can change direction at any time. I knew I was on a path that would not allow me to enjoy life and work to make a living so I gave up the career, the comfortable home, the nearby family, and moved with less than $1000 to my name. This was one month after getting married (my wife was on board and the $1000 was mostly "wedding gifts" mailed to us when our families learned we eloped). I had a short list of things I felt I would really need in a new place. The biggest was a feeling of belonging to a community. After living my entire life in the Chicago area, I never felt like I had "neighbors". When I moved to New Castle, Colorado, I didn't know anything about rafting, mountain biking, skiing, or windsurfing. I'd never camped in wilderness. I remember the guy next door introducing me to a guy a few blocks away who could rebuild the starter for my Gremlin and sharing a beer. 

Seventeen years later and I don't regret my 401k shortcomings. In fact, it has worked out better than I could have imagined. And I've floated over 500 miles in the last year

Keep working hard and when the time is right you will know you need to make a big change. It might be closer than you realize!


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## catfishbates (Sep 12, 2012)

I agree with mike. Anytime anywhere lets go!!! My favorite trip was this year when we hit prospect and the yaak. Freezing ass cold. Heater in the car broke. But the water and the good times are enough to make me wanna go back.


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## mttodd (Jan 29, 2009)

Hang in there, or don't. Do what you think will lead to your greater well being. If toughing out some crappy white collar shite will allow you some better equipped river time in the near future, so be it. Do what feels right.


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## Captain (Sep 8, 2013)

Well said, but you aint that far from the Gauley, Go get some!


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## didee99 (Jun 23, 2010)

The top 5 regrets people have on their death beds:
Inspiration and Chai


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## Cookie (Mar 5, 2011)

Six years ago, my first summer as a mountain guide, one of my clients told me that he wished he could live like me. (I was 21, living in my 4-runner on less than 10k/year, and climbing more than 6 months a year. I had never been happier) He was not the first person to tell me that, and certainly not the last, but when I told him: "you can", he took my advice, moved is family from the east coast to Aspen, CO, and when I ran into him last summer in the mountains, this 45+ yr old guy with a wife and two kids reminded me of my giddy 21 year old self. 

That said, I am ready to plan my own exit strategy from being a total dirtbag... thinking about going back to school. So far just thinking (for a few years!). There is a happy medium somewhere. Just remember... you can do anything you want. Maybe think about where your own happy medium would be.


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## BCxp (Jun 3, 2012)

Some great rivers in the Empire State as well as New England. Some fine coastal surfing, too plus tidal waves. Places are closer than out West. If ur close to Manhattan, gotta check out New York Kayak Co. Hardest core paddlers there and prolly super info source. Hop in one of their sea boats and take a paddle around NYC. That'll blow u away and is anything but easy. Think they do it all year long, but u have to pass their qual test first. Perk up... theres great paddling near you. Also try the Black R. in NY.Look up kayak/canoe/raft gear territory reps for leads. Maybe REI, too. Certainly paddle and ski shops and Boater Talk online.
HTH


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## lmyers (Jun 10, 2008)

What the hell are you doing in NYC attending meetings and completing reports? That doesn't sound like you at all....

Stick it out and make some money, or say fuck it and come back west.... I would vote for the later.

Good luck with the upcoming shoulder surgery Aaron, get yourself healed up, then get back after it.

Remember this? I believe it was your first time down Browns:



good stuff.


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## sarahkonamojo (May 20, 2004)

Well written lament.
Try to enjoy where you at the moment. There will be some good things to take with you wherever you go.


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## deepsouthpaddler (Apr 14, 2004)

Going from the great outdoors into corporate bullshit is one of the most depressing transitions one can make. Its a rude awakening.

Missing your old life is normal, but you will get where you need to by focusing on the future, which will always be different.

I've known a lot of folks who lived "the life" when they were young... only to get burned out by being a broke dirtbag living in a van down by the river. Many eventually turn to school, or some career change, as its very tough to live for a long time on next to nothing.

I also know a lot of folks who have a really good life despite holding down a corporate job (myself included). Corporate can pay well, and if you are in a good location, it can enable adventures. You gotta pay for creekboats, plane tickets and all the gear you yardsaled on bear creek.

In my mid 20's I went through an existential crisis... fed up with the bullshit of corporate america, wanting to connect with nature, wanting to find something more fulfilling. Now, older, wiser, perhaps less idealistic I have found that a good job keeps me financially secure and enables my adventures. Joy is found with family, friends, kayaking, camping, and adventures, and corpoarate pays the bills. Works for me. 

Everyone has their own preferred path, and to each his own. One old school quote I really like... "there are many paths to the top of the mountain, but they all see the same moon on top". 

Good luck on your journey, but by all means, get the fuck out of dodge if its not good.


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## milo (Apr 21, 2004)

...schfinny, remember you guys taking me down obj my first run? I was headed to bv, you guys (John dimbright, corby, maybe deano) were headed over from bv to the butte... That day changed me as a person... For better or worse it changed me..... I'm hitting 50 this winter with the throttle pegged!!! ... At least you have memories that will get you through the boredom... nailing a million dollar deal can't get you through all the hair you've run.... Your office is the EDDY now... You've got new plans , skills and a mindset to navigate that world... WHEN IN DOUBT BOOF THAT SHIT!!.... Besides you know where to find water... When you need it most.... I've got plenty of rooms for you and the family if you find yourself in cb ever.... You were a super hero in my eyes those early years.... Once a super hero, always a super hero!!!..... One thing I'll never forget was when you said to me.."I like it when it stinks"...as I sit here and contemplate next weekends most dreaded and dangerous race in the valley (DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE)... I ALMOST wish I had a desk job to keep me from doing it again.... . Milozadik 420 CB


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## d.e. (Apr 5, 2005)

I still remember running Vallecito the first time with you and the boys like it was yesterday and it was 17-18 years ago. I can remember every detail of that run. Thats how vivid and awesome that experience was for me. Me and kayaking have had an interesting relationship over the years but that one day stands out as mystical for me. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Smiley


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## CGM (Jun 18, 2004)

Why Generation Y Yuppies Are Unhappy | Wait But Why


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## adgeiser (May 26, 2009)

Seriously, very well written. 

You should be a writer.


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## okieboater (Oct 19, 2004)

What BCxp said times 2.

Moved around a bunch while making a living for me and family. Never got in a place where I could not find some boating. Might have to drive to get there, but the river time is worth it.


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## catfishbates (Sep 12, 2012)

CGM said:


> Why Generation Y Yuppies Are Unhappy | Wait But Why


Not a bad article. Definatly kicked some mental stones over in my life. Damn those unicorns!


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## Phillips (Feb 19, 2004)

I here ya brotha! After twenty years in Colorado riding, biking and boating I made the move to texas for Nurse anesthetist school. Great career choice and super lucky to be getting my school paid for, but I feel your pain at times. On the other hand, I'm meeting some awesome people down here in San Antonio. I'm enjoying the culture and absolutely enjoying learning anesthesia. When I get back to Denver in 2016 I will cherish every minute of it!!


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## Anchorless (Aug 3, 2010)

The solution is simple. 

Become a teacher, move to a town with a whitewater park that runs year round, paddle every day after work. Use your summers and be a guide. 

Winning.


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