# New Jokes



## soggy_tortillas (Jul 22, 2014)

I don't get it?


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## restrac2000 (Mar 6, 2008)

...to the Eddy?


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## slickhorn (Dec 15, 2005)

well, ya'd prolly not mail a request for help, were you trying to save someone ... 

A canoeist, a kayaker, and an old salt sailor went into a bar and ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer.

The canoeist looked in his beer and said, "hey bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."

The kayaker looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in an picked it out and continued drinking.

The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"


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## FlyingDutchman (Mar 25, 2014)

When is a door not a door? when it's a jar!


What do groovers and female raft guides have in common?? If the hole is still warm then you know your buddy was just there....


Why can't you trust a tree? Cause they're shady, man.


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## Panama Red (Feb 10, 2015)

Q. What's the difference between a female guide and a washing machine? 
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for the rest of the season.

Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself


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## sammyphsyco (Aug 15, 2012)

WOW! I got my ass chewed pretty good over joking about kayakers. A couple of these jokes would be pretty offensive if I had a vagina. Apparently some people favor kayakers over women'z. I how ever find this shit funny as he'll. When it comes to comedy no one is off limits, except kayakers.


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## sea hag (Mar 24, 2006)

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of a$$ that brings tears to your eyes.


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## Panama Red (Feb 10, 2015)

What's the difference between god and a kayaker? 
God doesn't think he's a kayaker

Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself


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## Panama Red (Feb 10, 2015)

What's the difference between a female guide and a hockey player.
Hockey player takes a shower after 3 periods.

Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself


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## caverdan (Aug 27, 2004)

There are many reasons for a chicken to cross a road........but why did the kayaker cross the road??




A: He was stuck in the chicken.


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## Wavetrain024 (Jul 10, 2011)

Whats the difference between jelly and jam?


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## Wavetrain024 (Jul 10, 2011)

I can't jelly my dick in your butt!


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## erdvm1 (Oct 17, 2003)

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg????


Roll him over and suck his dick


Sent from my iPhone using Mountain Buzz


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## RiverCowboy (Mar 14, 2011)

Wavetrain024 said:


> Whats the difference between jelly and jam?



There's no such thing as a jamfish!

I like having that alternate ending so you can open the joke in front of kids and families and watch the horror on your buddies' eyes...


Sent from my iPad using Mountain Buzz


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## mcfarrel (Apr 1, 2006)

A lady guide on the grand told me this one as she motored by 

What did the egg say to the hot water?

Give me a second to get hard I just got laid by a chick.


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## Schutzie (Feb 5, 2013)

On a Grand trip in December the Christmas morning breakfast was eggs Benedict. it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. People were asking; "Whats with the fancy plate?" The cook replies,' There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!'

Cmon people, this is a family forum!


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## Schutzie (Feb 5, 2013)

Three old river guides are floating on a stretch of river one quiet Sunday morning.
A funeral procession drives by on the highway and crosses the bridge in front of them.
One of the guides stops rowing, takes off his hat, sets down his beer, and stands quietly until the procession passes.
One of the other guides comments "That was real respectful of you Harvey"
Harvey replies "Well, I thought it was the least I could do after 40 years of marriage".


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## Schutzie (Feb 5, 2013)

A girl walks into a bar with a Monkey.
The bartender freaks out "HEY! you can't bring a monkey in here! Get it out!"
The girl pleads with the bartender, that she's trying to socialize the monkey, and he won't be any trouble and she just wants one beer.
The bartender finally gives up, and besides she is quite pretty.
As soon as he serves the girl the beer the monkey starts running up and down the bar, knocking over drinks, breaking glasses and being a general nuisance. Before the girl can catch him, the Monkey jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The girl apologizes profusely and pays for the damage, collects the Monkey and leaves.

A few weeks later she shows up again, with the Monkey.
The bartender freaks out "HEY! GET THAT MONKEY OUT OF HERE!"
The girl pleads again with him, and once again the bartender relents; She is even prettier than he remembers and he is after all an optimist. Once again, as soon as he serves the girl her beer the Monkey proceeds to tear up the bar, knocking over drinks, breaking glasses and screaming at patrons. Eventually the Monkey finds the garnish tray, grabs a maraschino cherry, sticks it in his butt, then eats it.
Not only the bartender, but every patron is totally grossed out by this behavior.
The bartender says to the girl "that's the grossest thing I've ever seen; you get that beast out of here right the fuck now!"
The girl apologizes and proceeds to leave but she is compelled to explain the Monkey's behavior.
"He really isn't a bad Monkey. You see, since the last time he was in here he measures everything he eats first."


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## caverdan (Aug 27, 2004)

Schutzie said:


> Cmon people, this is a family forum!


:mrgreen:
:mrgreen:
:mrgreen:
:mrgreen:
:mrgreen:


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## Caleb125 (Oct 25, 2012)

Schutzie said:


> Cmon people, this is a family forum!


Since when???


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## dafewillis (Jun 21, 2014)

I've been snowboarding for 25 years and tell these jokes. Insert desired dirtbag population you wish to insult in place of snowboarders. 

What do you call a snowboarder with no girlfriend?
Homeless. 

What do you call a snowboarder with a suit on?
Defendant. 

Sent from my Z970 using Mountain Buzz mobile app


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## zipbak (Dec 3, 2007)

A guy walks into a bar wearing Carharts and a Melenzana hoodie with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says , "Hey, that's cool where'd ya get that?" The parrot says "Leadville, they got lots of 'em"


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## zipbak (Dec 3, 2007)

Q: What do you call the (kayaker, liftie, snowboarder, etc.) with a beautiful girl on his arm? 
A: Tatooed


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## zipbak (Dec 3, 2007)

I used to be a rock climber, but there weren't enough self-absorbed prima donnas, so I switched to kayaking
(Actually, the punch line is road bike racing/riding, but I had to change it for this forum. BTW, I am all three--a road bike rider, kayaker, and self-absorbed prima donna)


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## sammyphsyco (Aug 15, 2012)

So my little brother came up from fl , we were sitting in the sitting living room. My jack russell Norman was licking his balls and ass. So I asked my brother if he wished he could do that. His reply was "hell yea", I replied if you scratch his ears he just might let you.


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## daledevon (Jun 10, 2013)

sammyphsyco said:


> So my little brother came up from fl , we were sitting in the sitting living room. My jack russell Norman was licking his balls and ass. So I asked my brother if he wished he could do that. His reply was "hell yea", I replied if you scratch his ears he just might let you.


Is that a North Dakota kayaking joke?


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## Blade&Shaft (May 23, 2009)

These last few pages of jokes suck btw


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## The Mogur (Mar 1, 2010)

Blade&Shaft said:


> These last few pages of jokes suck btw


Agree. Makes me wish I hadn't started it. But try this:

My wife said I was immature. So I kicked her out of my fort.


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## sauksister (Jul 23, 2014)

Some folks consider the Sauk River as being real back "backcountry". I don't know...... But you know why there's troubles identifying those deceased? No dental records and the DNA all matches.


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## elkhaven (Sep 11, 2013)

Blade&Shaft said:


> These last few pages of jokes suck btw


So what would be better, more female raft guide jokes? or more skiing jokes transposed with boating names?

Like this: How are snowboarding and fucking your sister alike?

badump pa...

Just 'cause it's easy doesn't make it right.

now just substitute your favorite antagonist and you've got another lame boating joke.


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## elkhaven (Sep 11, 2013)




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## caverdan (Aug 27, 2004)

Q: What's the difference between a Kayak and an onion? 
A: No one cries when you cut up a Kayak


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## soggy_tortillas (Jul 22, 2014)

HAhaha that cartoon has to be William Nealy....

Hey, what's the difference between a 'possum and a canoeist?


You can't make a 'possum go "Weeee! Weee!" while you sodomize it.


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## PowderHoar (Dec 11, 2006)

What did the kayaker say when he ran out of weed?

"Man...this boat sucks!"


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## azpowell (Aug 14, 2014)

What does a female raft guide and a bucket of chicken have in common?




Once your done with the beast, leg, and thigh. All you have is a greasy bucket to throw your bone in....


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## Panama Red (Feb 10, 2015)

How many raft guides can you fit in a closet?
As many as you can get to pay the rent.

Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself


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## caverdan (Aug 27, 2004)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


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