# Funny "Non-River" Person Story



## LJPurvis (Apr 12, 2017)

Thought I would start a thread to see if anyone had a "non-river" person story to share. A story that centers around questions/actions of friends or family that have joined a trip that have asked/done something that shows their fear/ignorance/etc. about a rafting adventure. I have several but will start with this one...

My wife and I own a business in Boise and belong to a "Peer Group" of similar companies around the country (CA, OH, NY, MT, NC, PA). We meet once a quarter to talk business and take turns hosting. Not required, but whomever hosts usually tries to put on a fun event for those traveling. Of course, we do a day trip on one of the local rivers.

The person from PA is very much a city person and somewhat of a germaphobe so as the meeting agenda was being put together we outlined that one day would be spent rafting the Cabarton and we included some YouTube links.

Stephen's first group email reply was about the safety of the trip; it looked too dangerous. How do you convince a city raised germaphobe that the drive to the launch site was more dangerous than the actual rafting? That, in fact, walking the streets of Philadelphia was significantly more dangerous?

Second group email was about "air conditioning". Stephen had looked up the weather report for that day and it was going to be hot so he asked if the "boats had air conditioning". I responded to the group that the boats absolutely had air conditioning. In fact, the boat simply floats on a bed of air conditioning. One need simply drop their feet, hands, or whole body into the air conditioner to cool off.

Third and final group email from Stephen was about "bathrooms". Stephen wanted to know if the boats had bathrooms. I responded with "yes, all boats have bathrooms. See previous email concerning air conditioning; they are the same.".

Stephen did not fly to Idaho for this meeting.


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## westwatercuban (May 19, 2021)

That's hilarious! 

I got one. It's a short story but here it goes. Took some of my friends rafting down the Gunnison. As we leave the put in one of my buddies looks at me dead serious super confused...

"Hey man, where is the seat belts??" 
"There are none..."
"How do you not fall out of the boat?"
"What would happen if we flipped the boat and you were strapped to the seat?"
"Oh...."

Can't make this stuff up!


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## jbLaramie (Feb 1, 2021)

Have a family member who thought our rafting trips sounded awesome and wanted to come. Invited them on on a Ruby Horsethief trip & made plans more than a month out. A week before the trip we had this conversation.

"I didn't know there were that many hotels along the river"
Me: "huh?"
"I thought this was was, like, a remote trip"
Me: "yeah, it is"
"aren't there a bunch of other people staying at the hotels?"
Me: "what hotels?"
"the one's we'll be staying at"
Me: "oh, there's no hotels on the the stretch of the river we're going on, we're camping"
"like in tents?"
Me: "yeah, we went over this. Remember the packing list?"
"I thought you were kidding".


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## LJPurvis (Apr 12, 2017)

I have a "where are the seatbelts?" story too. But it pretty well aligns with westwatercuban's.
Another, we were planning a Hells Canyon trip and one of the participants didn't want to be in the raft; he was too afraid. He offered to drive and meet us at camp everyday stating that he could even bring goodies like ice cream. I had to inform him that there are no roads; once we leave the launch site the next road would be 38 miles away and we will camp twice in that timeframe. He then offered to hike each day then must meet us at camp. No problem. We sent him a link to what to expect while hiking the canyon. If we go 8 miles you might have to hike 10-12 and you have a higher chance of injury than on the river. He did decide to raft with us. Turned out he was raised in some little country by India and Pakistan and had never been on a river and could not swim a lick.
Ended up loving the trip and had a ton of fun.


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## Dangerfield (May 28, 2021)

D


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## Aerocam (Jul 11, 2011)

Working on the Zambezi in the late '80s. Had a woman come on the trip with her family to get over her fear of water............ Yep, Flipped twice that day.... I don't think it helped.


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## nolichuck (Mar 11, 2010)

Back in 2012 my canoe and I were invited on a commercial MF trip after several customers backed out at the last minute. We camped at Upper Marble the second night and as we were about to depart the next morning this lady from Chicago declared that she couldn't find her diamond ring. So everyone went over to her tent site and scoured the area thoroughly to no avail. So then her dry bag was removed from the gear raft and everything was carefully removed and inspected - also to no avail. At that point a guide suggested that he and I return to the tent site for a second look. As luck would have it the sun had risen enough so that the big diamond was shining brightly. As we were leaving camp the guide who had spotted the ring asked the husband how much a ring like that might be worth today. His response was " I don't know what its worth today but I paid $60,000 for it ".


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## Bigwaterforeveryone (Feb 7, 2018)

When I was guiding, we would occasionally bring a short piece of an old extension cord on multi day trips. We would attach it to one of the kitchen tables and run the cut off end down into the sand. Most of the time folks would ask about it and we'd make up story about charging batteries for the water filter. But inevitably, every couple of trips someone would come down to the kitchen with a hairdryer hoping to plug in. The ongoing prank ended when an embarrassed and unamused guest complained to the outfitter. Needless to say, we did not get a tip from her.


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## David L (Feb 13, 2004)

A long time ago I took a friend on the Upper Colorado, a very easy river starting at Pumphouse near Kremmling. He asked about his dad coming along, too. Dad was in his 70's and had never been rafting. I said, "Yes, this is a good river for almost anyone." He was very excited to be there. He couldn't contain his excitement as we were prepping the boat, asking lots of questions about the day ahead.

When I had the boat mostly all rigged on the dirt ramp, ready to pick it up and put it on the water, I said, "That's it, now we can go." That's what he wanted to hear. He didn't wait, he jumped right in and sat on the boat. While it was still on the dirt ramp.


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## Steve Campbell (Mar 24, 2012)

From a commercial aircraft lifejacket, I have the red plastic tab that that says "Jerk to Inflate". I attached it to my raft and instruct people to pull on it if we get a hole along the river.


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## LJPurvis (Apr 12, 2017)

On a full MF trip around day 4 we had a newbie convinced that the Groover contents needed to be compressed before we left in the morning. While sitting around the fire that evening we outlined the process using rubber gloves, proper way to place your hands in the Groover to perform the compression while keeping your elbows at a certain angle to ensure nothing got on your arms above the rubber gloves. Also, it helps to stir if a bit with a stick before starting the compression. We laid out the gloves the next morning. He was unhappy but put the gloves on and started heading for the Groover as we were packing up.
We had to stop him and let him know it was a joke and we have another, unused Groover, ready to go.


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## jbLaramie (Feb 1, 2021)

Self confession - as a newb, had an irrational fear that the raft could get overinflated and burst, but shouldn't be underinflated because it might cause more wear & tear. Probably bled or pumped 20 times a day, annoyed the wife greatly. Still catch grief about that. The number of things like this I used to do is more than would like to admit.


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## gnarsify (Oct 5, 2020)

jbLaramie said:


> Self confession - as a newb, had an irrational fear that the raft could get overinflated and burst, but shouldn't be underinflated because it might cause more wear & tear. Probably bled or pumped 20 times a day, annoyed the wife greatly. Still catch grief about that. The number of things like this I used to do is more than would like to admit.


Haha I've done the same. I heard a couple of stories about overinflated rafts blowing up and I was slightly OCD about the pressure of my boat for the first couple seasons.

One was someone borrowing a friends raft, the floor exploded from heat/over inflation and rather than work with or offer to pay my friend to fix the raft he just skipped town completely.

The other was a completely blown seam when coming back from Havasu or Elves Chasm (can't remember which). Apparently they were able to get it somewhat fixed but had to keep topping it off the rest of the trip. It was apparently pretty entertaining watching them drop in lava with one guy just pumping to keep the tube full.


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## westwatercuban (May 19, 2021)

jbLaramie said:


> Self confession - as a newb, had an irrational fear that the raft could get overinflated and burst, but shouldn't be underinflated because it might cause more wear & tear. Probably bled or pumped 20 times a day, annoyed the wife greatly. Still catch grief about that. The number of things like this I used to do is more than would like to admit.


I know you feel honestly. For me it’s keeping gear “perfect” so it “lasts” longer. Only recently have I been able to over come this obsession with “dude it’s meant to be used..so use it”


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## Ransomed (Aug 25, 2021)

My story is a bit different- I'm the "newbie" that didn't know the local conditions. But not exactly a newbie- I've lived in Alaska for 39 years and have done many, many types of camping trips throughout the state so I'm thoroughly accustomed to camping with bears around. Last summer I did a solo fly in trip to Moraine Creek in Katmai NP in Alaska in a K1 Feathercraft (a fold-able sea kayak). Katmai is famous for its large population of brown (grizzly) bears. Lots of bear viewing day trips go to Katmai and Moraine Creek is a popular destination. So lots and lots of bears. The bears are there for the massive run of sockeye salmon in the river. The huge number of sockeyes also means lots of rainbow trout are busy enjoying the feast of salmon eggs. The rainbows attract fishermen- well healed fishermen. The fishermen are either doing fly in day trip from the local lodges, which go for $1k-2K per night or multi day float trips. So there are quite a few people along the river- I'd see around 30 people everyday in the most accessible part of the river. The first 2 nights of the trip I was away from the busiest part of the river. On the third day I met up with a fishing guide with 2 clients. They were in a 12' raft. After paddling along with them for a bit on the river, he invited me to camp next to them that night, which I was more than happy to do. The NPS has restricted camping at the confluence of Funnel and Moraine Creek and he knew exactly which gravel bar to camp on outside of the closure area. The gravel bar was maybe 30 yards wide and 100+ yards long. We camped mid way between the water's edge and the thick alders and willows. The bears cruised the water's edge and along the alders. So there was a steady procession of bears on either side of the tents. The bears pretty much ignored any humans or tents- they were habituated to seeing people. But it was still a bit unnerving to have bears walking by so closely every 5-10 minutes. Especially when it came time to cook...

The next morning I'd joined the guide and his clients in his screen cooking shelter. I was boiling water for my oatmeal and coffee. He pulled out a big package of bacon and flopped it into the frying pan. I was stunned at the sight since odorous foods are a cardinal sin in bear country. But I kept my mouth shut- he'd guided a dozen or more trips on this river so he presumably knew it was not an act of sheer stupidity. And sure enough, half a dozen bears walked within 10 yards of the frying bacon as they cruised the edge of the river. When the bears got down wind of the wafting aroma, only a couple paused ever so briefly to contemplate the new odor. None of them changed their behavior- they all kept on looking for salmon or salmon carcasses. The bears all passed the bacon test! 

After that I was a while lot less worried about my oatmeal and freeze dried meals attracting any unwanted guests. Well fed and well behaved bears are good neighbors.


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## varract (May 20, 2019)

On a trip down the Green through Gates of Ladore my passenger was looking at the map and saw where the Yampa ran into the Green. Her comment was "You wouldn't want to miss that turn." I informed her that it would be really hard for me to row up the Yampa. We had a great laugh about that.


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## mkashzg (Aug 9, 2006)

I did not think I had a story to contribute but I had forgotten one. I had a commercial launch on a motor trip from Lees ferry on the Fourth of July and me and the other guide drove the owner’s old convertible Cadillac from Marble Canyon with all our stuff in it down to the ferry in the morning to start rigging the boat for the trip in style. It was a normal first day on the river as far as I can remember except for the fact that when we started looking for camps around North Canyon in the afternoon everything we passed was taken and ended up 36 miles down at Nautaliod. obviously we got in late but made the most of it by setting up a huge corn bomb on the rockwall below the cove where the boats park. In those days with all the extra time on my hands I was rolling my own smokes occasionally and the other guide smoked like a chimney.

Needless to say we had plenty of time to kill the next morning so we decided to go for a short scramble hike up to the fossils in the drainage above the camp. Because there is some limited scrambling involved and trying to help people up the rocks we both put on our Camelback‘s to hydrate but also to have some water to put on the rock fossils for a better visual.

Later in the trip when these ladies figured out our Camelback‘s were for a water they confessed that they were terrified the first morning thinking that we were using oxygen to go hiking and that their guides might not survive the trip!?


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## Michael P (Mar 18, 2009)

My wife and I are at Corn Creek ramp rigging for the Main Salmon when a woman from another group comes over and asks "How long does it take for the river to come back here?" My lovely wife Donna replies quite seriously, "Six to seven days depending on how fast you row." We had a good laugh later and could only imagine she thought she was going on a ride like Disneyland.


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## westwatercuban (May 19, 2021)

Michael P said:


> My wife and I are at Corn Creek ramp rigging for the Main Salmon when a woman from another group comes over and asks "How long does it take for the river to come back here?" My lovely wife Donna replies quite seriously, "Six to seven days depending on how fast you row." We had a good laugh later and could only imagine she thought she was going on a ride like Disneyland.


It’s a small world slowly intensifies…


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## caverdan (Aug 27, 2004)

On a high school Desolation Canyon trip, we had a student run into camp screaming that a huge bee was attacking her and her tent site. Upon further investigation.....the large bee turned out to be.....a hummingbird.


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## B4otter (Apr 20, 2009)

Mineral launch back in gearly 80's, White Rim trail pretty much unknown, little trafficked. Fancy/schmancy group from Seattle, first issue was getting them to unpack their gear from just-purchased LL Bean or Eddie Bauer duffels ("..but they're waterproof" - no they weren't, not with zippers) into our ratty and probably sand-in-the-bottom black bags, at warehouse before leaving for trip. 

Second night out w/difficult weather, group spokesperson approaches boatfolk kill the bottle/put fire out gathering around dark-thirty. "We need to hike out." Probably 5 miles to White Rim at that point, _if_ drainage we camped across from would even go... Tried to explain futility of this idea, got nowhere, until one guide (Steve Bathemess) said, "Lady, if you hike out of here and manage to get to the White Rim Trail you might as well hike the rest of the way back to Seattle - that will be the easy part!"


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## sarahkonamojo (May 20, 2004)

varract said:


> On a trip down the Green through Gates of Ladore my passenger was looking at the map and saw where the Yampa ran into the Green. Her comment was "You wouldn't want to miss that turn." I informed her that it would be really hard for me to row up the Yampa. We had a great laugh about that.


Yes, hilarious moments at the confluence of Green and Colorado Rivers. My unnamed friend was rowing. There was some confusion when unnamed tried to row up the Colorado. Admittedly, low water September trip, but no the river does not "turn left." I was laughing all the way to Upper Spanish Bottom.


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## jamesthomas (Sep 12, 2010)

What is a corn bomb? I have heard about grease bombs but a corn bomb is a new one for me.


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## LJPurvis (Apr 12, 2017)

A newbie to the Middle Fork story...maybe? A group was in my friend's camp spot. When he talked to the other group's "leader" he assured my friend they had this camp for the evening. My friend asked to see his permit and the guy, with a threat to his voice, patted his personal dry box and stated "MY permit is in here.". My friend, not even remotely intimidated, replied "Welcome to Idaho. ALL of us have THAT permit.".

The guy changed his tune and it was worked out properly.


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## kanoer2 (Mar 5, 2011)

Back in the late '90s a group of us had set up a base camp on the Umpqua (Oregon) for the week. Don't remember which run we were doing that day, but we ran into a largish raft group of teens having a blast. Ended up chatting with one of the adults, and it was a church outing, and the teens were from the sister church from New York City. I would say half the girls were wearing shower caps so their hair wouldn't get wet.

Also a story from the mid '90s. This time we were on a commercial trip that allowed us to bring our canoes on the Main Salmon. There was this couple from the South who had never been camping before. Well, the outfitter had worked with this couple to be able to fly out from one of the in-holdings if they hated it. They had a great time and my sweetie was able to get the wife to paddle bow on Salmon Lake.


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## mountain boy (Aug 20, 2021)

I was guiding on the main Salmon with a group from Philadelphia, we had one guy along who was the "problem child" for the whole trip. If you took your eyes of him for any length of time you could be sure you would find him standing in a patch of poison ivy. He would fall out of the boat, trip over everything, if he tried to fish he always caught himself in the face or hooked the boat. We started wondering if we were going to have to fly in more bandages or mooch some off a different outfit. He asked to borrow my knife and I told him no. I made up a story (a lie) on the spot about "good river karma" and how I was trying to keep it inside the knife thus nobody could touch it. He would have stabbed the raft or himself.. Never been so glad to see the takeout as that trip. That guy shouldn't be allowed out of Philly city limits.


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## boonekayak (Apr 13, 2010)

On a commercial trip we were going through a stretch of river called the "boulder garden". I said to my crew, "All right guys, we call this section the boulder garden. This is where we grow all of the rocks and then place them around the river. I know what you're thinking, 'Chris, what does it take to grow a rock?'. Lots of water and sunshine. Takes a full season to get a full size rock". One of the ladies in the group turns and says, "Wow! I never knew that!".

On another trip, we were weaving through a stretch of river and I was telling the group about some of the history in the area. After one of my stories someone asked me, "how does the raft know where to go". I said, "Well, this is an old raft, and like an old horse it just knows where to go."

We were taking a youth group rafting where it started raining when we left the shop, but stopped at the put-in. Most of the customers took off their splash tops and handed them to the guides. At the take-out, one kid gets off the raft and starts frantically searching among the rocks. I asked him what he was looking for and he says, "I put my splash top next to one of these rocks before we started and now it's not here." This was the same group that was shocked that the rocks would move and shift when you stepped on them.


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## LJPurvis (Apr 12, 2017)

Always let the newbies know that “back in The Day the water didn’t come all the way up to the shore like it does now. Very convenient now.”


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## MT4Runner (Apr 6, 2012)

It's interesting seeing so many never-evers on the river since the 'Rona has made playing outdoors so attractive to many.

At the put-in for the popular whitewater stretch of the MF Flathead last summer, I saw an attractive mid-20's woman wearing botox duck lips, a big floppy hat and white pirate shirt, sitting on an 8' Kmart raft with four cheap aluminum SUP paddles and shiny new nylon waterski PFD's, trying frantically to find a cell signal so she could upload her selfie to the 'gram. I smiled and quietly walked past. Didn't figure I'd probably see her crew again, they looked like this would be a one-and-done bad trip but would take some photos their followers would enjoy.

Meanwhile, a crew of mid-20's coeds pulled up their old Suburban in front of the commercial ramp and unloaded their gear. Trying to inflate an old Hyside slowly with a K200 pump. They had a stack of America's Cup Type V's and crew paddles and a rack of PBR and two mutts with dog flotation vests. Ragtag yet earnest looking like me 20 years ago. I loaned them my electric pump and gently suggested they inflate and rig their boat in the loading area so they didn't get run over by a bus. They returned my pump 5min later with a PBR and a smile. They'll figure it out.


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