# UNCONDITIONAL safety



## Elephant rock

Don't often write but saw some behavoir on the Ark this weekend that stuck in this boaters craw.In a nutshell if you see a swimmer in the water and you are hearing whistles and you are too busy surfing or have copped a mood because the beginners are slowing you down GET OUT OF THE SPORT because I am not God and I rescue ALL swimmers.UNCONDITIONALLY!Shame on you if you believe its not your problem because its not your trip,or they should not be there because you think the experience they dont have is why they are in the water,or you saw them drinking beer,smoking pot,or they took your parking spot at the takeout.The river never cares and it is a equal opportunity drowing machine.It may be your snob ass next time!I once rescued a wrapped commercial raft on a pool toy because all other trips felt it wasn"t their problem and passed by.


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## lmyers

Damn, somebody's Mom must have swam this weekend...
First and foremost you are responsible for yourself, and if you don't have the skills or the friends to help in the event of a problem then you should be somewhere else...However, it is good karma, and I have never let a swimmer just float by, nobody wants someone to drown that they could have helped...


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## Geezer

Hey... if they take my parking spot, screw 'em. Other than that, I would probably go for the rescue.


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## pearen

Sounds like somebody needs a juicebox and a nap.


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## Elephant rock

pearen said:


> Sounds like somebody needs a juicebox and a nap.


 Actually I pefer warm cartons of milk fresh off the radiator and stale cookies,but if I see you pinned at frog rock I can get you a anger manager instea of a rope.


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## Elephant rock

pearen said:


> Sounds like somebody needs a juicebox and a nap.


 Actually I pefer warm cartons of milk fresh off the radiator and stale cookies,but if I see you pinned at frog rock I can get you a anger manager instead of a rope.


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## Mr Beaver

I was with you until the second sentence. 

There are lots of conditions that I wouldn't try a rescue. For example I wouldn't want a new boater trying to "rescue" me, they will probably just endanger themselves.

That being said, I don't expect or demand that anyone rescue me, cuz I took myself to the river, placed my craft in the water and choose to go boating/rafting. 

Bad Karma to let someone swim by though.

Lastly, why is it that every redass never can hit [space] or [Enter]. Come on people your rants look even more crazy when they are just one long run-on paragraph.


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## UserName

_{...Mr. Beaver attempts an English grammar rescue...}_


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## Elephant rock

Thanks UserName,well put.And its MR. REDASS to you MR.BEAVER.


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## UserName

_{...Mr.Beaver'sattemptfailsmiserably...}_


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## Jay H

obligatory turkey leg and schlitz post


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## Mr Beaver

I don't give a spit about grammar, but readability is another thing.

You are the one asking everybody to step up with rescues, all I ask is you hit ENTER once in a while.


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## SummitAP

Was there any throwing of turkey legs?


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## DanOrion

I'd be very impressed to see a swimmer drinking beer. I'd gladly rescue them in hopes that more beers may be available for the sharing. 

As for the swimming and smoking pot, I presume this involves a "water pipe?" Seems like it would be difficult to keep the pot smoking while swimming?


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## gh

DanOrion said:


> I'd be very impressed to see a swimmer drinking beer. I'd gladly rescue them in hopes that more beers may be available for the sharing.
> 
> As for the swimming and smoking pot, I presume this involves a "water pipe?" Seems like it would be difficult to keep the pot smoking while swimming?


Crack me up....

Somehow I knew this post would turn bad.


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## pearen

Elephant rock said:


> Don't often write but saw some behavoir on the Ark this weekend that stuck in this boaters craw.In a nutshell if you see a swimmer in the water and you are hearing whistles and you are too busy surfing or have copped a mood because the beginners are slowing you down GET OUT OF THE SPORT because I am not God and I rescue ALL swimmers.UNCONDITIONALLY!Shame on you if you believe its not your problem because its not your trip,or they should not be there because you think the experience they dont have is why they are in the water,or you saw them drinking beer,smoking pot,or they took your parking spot at the takeout.The river never cares and it is a equal opportunity drowing machine.It may be your snob ass next time!I once rescued a wrapped commercial raft on a pool toy because all other trips felt it wasn"t their problem and passed by.


So, what the hell happened that got your undies all in a bunch? Maybe with more information everyone would be a bit more compassionate...


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## caspermike

well you see i was sititng smoking my waterpipe on frog rock and all the sudden i forgot where i was, jumped into the river and pulled a turkey leg out of my chutter. somewhere in the middle of the confusion my whistle wasn't working when i blew on it so i tied the whistle on to the end of the throw bag and with the might of a lobster i chucked it into the trees where the pigmy apes recesued me, thank goodness that none of you potsmoking hippified river rats where around to see my birthday suit. ahh well still got my water pipe didn't let that go. but somebody needs to give up some turkey legs im still missing mine. damnit grif. you stole my turkey legs and didn't even toss me a beer when i was drowning. shame on you im calling the porkers on you.

my girlfriend swimfan swimgirl i forgot her name told me that she still hates going to the swim pool withyou after you wouldn't help her get to the side last time. real nuts, grif, real nuts, man. can't even help pull her out of the water and dry her off with a towel. same goes for me. why wasn't anybody standing their with my towel. who doesn't help bring a towel for me of all people? serious? where's my fucking towel.


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## RJennings

UserName said:


> _{...Mr.Beaver'sattemptfailsmiserably...}_





DanOrion said:


> I'd be very impressed to see a swimmer drinking beer. I'd gladly rescue them in hopes that more beers may be available for the sharing.
> 
> As for the swimming and smoking pot, I presume this involves a "water pipe?" Seems like it would be difficult to keep the pot smoking while swimming?


 
This is freakin hilarious!!!! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time!! Thank you Mr. Beaver for the grammar police. And I'm glad I now fully understand what a "water pipe" is good for. 

Don't worry though I'll rescue you if you need. We could all use the good karma.


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## Elephant rock

Well.I uh forget cuz I am sooo high after smokin some Fibark turkey in my beer filled waterpipe.Had to get faced after backing over my Dogma with my Karma. Beside the fact Mom just called,she is at Rincon and is not happy about the swim.


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## Elephant rock

*Last rant from the rock*

As the lines goes "Don't ask me how I know I don't want to talk about it."
So you have a throwbag,but can you hit a swimmer with it?
Hows is your first aid kit and your skills at first aid?
If somebody says Z-drag are you looking for a Nissan sports car?
Speaking of the shuttle where are the keys if the driver can't tell you or isn't around?
Extra gear?I know its hard to fit in that new playboat"surfin shower slipper III" but a warm coat can make a big difference.
Extra oar,paddle,break down paddle for kayakers?Hand rolls and paddling are great if in your bag of tricks but in big water gets old fast.
Yes I know some of you are a rock,never swim,or miss a line but if you really want to impress the Bettys,rescue em,don't be throwing loops as they swim past you cause they fell off that f....ng tourist boa t.
Leave the politics for the sandbar,and help anybody out on the river that looks like they need it no matter what you might think of them on shore.
Think!What if?Not "What now?"Know and have plan "b" in case "a" is a bust.
And last fly with a wingman no man can be a island agianst any river I know.
A dead boater is the worst trip you"ll ever take,the last trip if its you.


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## SummitAP

So let me get this straight, a raft full of little children and cute kittens flipped and all the kittens and children died because the playboaters couldn't get to them as they had no paddles because they needed one hand for the schlitz and the other for the turkey leg as they threw loops while debating Sarah Palin, plus they were hypothermic without any coats in their playboats? So then the asshole playboaters went to warm themselves up in their Nissan 370Zs, but they all died too because they couldn't find the keys? 

And you watched all of the kittens die. You watched all the children die. You laughed as the play boaters died by their fancy sports cars of hypothermia and unbandaged hang nails. You could have helped, but instead you dropped your innertube and bandaids and your coors light and hurried to teh intranetz to rant and get high! You should be banned from tubing the river FOREVERRRRRR!


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## Mr Beaver

I used to have a Datsun 280Z. Does that count?


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## jmalefyt

Cats are a waste of air... I wish more boats full of kittens would flip.


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## Mr Beaver

But think of all that hair in the river. Nasty.


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## jmalefyt

Gross... I didn't think about that.


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## Riparian

jmalefyt said:


> Cats are a waste of air... I wish more boats full of kittens would flip.


Fluffy is *not* happy with your comment.


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## Snowhere

Hey! I like cats like everyone! I like them baked in a oven at 400 degrees for a couple of hours and served with a lemon sauce!  

Bazaar foods FTW! Or FTL of your lunch, whichever it may be! My wife loves that show, but I could do with out it. :roll:


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## DanOrion

you called?


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## rickysymo

Elephant rock said:


> Don't often write but saw some behavoir on the Ark this weekend that stuck in this boaters craw.In a nutshell if you see a swimmer in the water and you are hearing whistles and you are too busy surfing or have copped a mood because the beginners are slowing you down GET OUT OF THE SPORT because I am not God and I rescue ALL swimmers.UNCONDITIONALLY!Shame on you if you believe its not your problem because its not your trip,or they should not be there because you think the experience they dont have is why they are in the water,or you saw them drinking beer,smoking pot,or they took your parking spot at the takeout.The river never cares and it is a equal opportunity drowing machine.It may be your snob ass next time!I once rescued a wrapped commercial raft on a pool toy because all other trips felt it wasn"t their problem and passed by.


I believe in karma and it would also have been heavy on your conscience if you would not have lent your hand and your strength to those who need it.


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## THAI-TANIC

*STUNNED BY WHAT I SAW*



rickysymo said:


> I believe in karma and it would also have been heavy on your conscience if you would not have lent your hand and your strength to those who need it.


Witnessed the incident in question and I was stunned. These same people had one of their party swim out of their boat right after our launch at Stone Bridge. Our group retrieved the boat, she self rescued,and we sat in an eddy with them for 20 minutes while she walked down to us and got her boat. I did not know them personally, thought it just river courtesy. When a 2 person Tomcat overturned in rapids later, the female beginner riding shotgun took way too long a swim in some pretty cold water. Her more experienced female companion was able to self rescue. She was finally intercepted by 2 of her group further downstream and brought out okay, but cold, on river left. Members of the group were separated at various points along river left and did not know of her downstream rescue. Her duckie companion was upstream, frantic with worry. Whistles were blowing, people calling out, etc. Although they were obviously experienced kayakers, in a position to effectively assist in the rescue, they chose not to get involved and paddled off downstream. W.T..F


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## ericnourse

This just sums up what I have said all along. Girls don't belong in a man's sport. They should hand us a homemade breakfast burrito, run the shuttle, armorall (sp) our dash at the take-out while waiting, hand us fresh made brownies as we step out of our boats, and then crack a beer open for us.

They should do this happily while wearing something sexy. 

Girls should then stand at the take-out with a smile on their faces while we drink 5 beers and get progressively louder. 

Girls don't belong in a man's sport.


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## caspermike

eric kayaking is really a mans sport unless you personally like having your ass handed to you by Nikki Kelly? Not all girls belong in the sport the whinny snouty biatchs you are talking about don't but the ones that can hang with the boys are more than welcome to drop sack and hang.


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## Jensjustduckie

So I guess Grif was responsible for saving Yakgrrrl???

Good to know!


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## Phil U.

Axually, its the trash talkers that would ignore a swimmer that don't belong in the sport... I'd rather paddle with Nikki or most other women paddlers I know than any of you turkey legs... and the Shlitz is on me. 

Say, we're those magic brownies you were calling for?


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## ericnourse

Phil U. said:


> Axually, its the trash talkers that would ignore a swimmer that don't belong in the sport... I'd rather paddle with Nikki or most other women paddlers I know than any of you turkey legs... and the Shlitz is on me.
> 
> Say, we're those magic brownies you were calling for?


Hey watch it now. If you show to much affection toward women, the man haters will jump into the forum and crush you. Especially the Know-it-all from Missoula who has been rafting for a whopping 3 years! 

This reminds me of when a girl flipped above Skull on W Water. She went into the Room of Doom. I was the only one out of a dozen boaters to go in to help. I got her put together and tried to lead her out. She couldn't, so I paddled back in, hiked her boat up the cliff and 1/3 of a mile down the river along the cliff bank. I then roped her boat down and set up a line for her to get down. I then went back up and paddled out.

She never said thank you, and that night she was rubbing my friend's leg under the table.

I like Takemetotheriver's joke: What's the difference between a female kayaker and a bear?

One is brown and hairy and the other is a bear.


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## Riparian

EN - you're chumming the water like a maniac, but no one is biting. Disappointed?


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## Toni

ericnourse said:


> This just sums up what I have said all along. Girls don't belong in a man's sport. They should hand us a homemade breakfast burrito, run the shuttle, armorall (sp) our dash at the take-out while waiting, hand us fresh made brownies as we step out of our boats, and then crack a beer open for us.
> 
> They should do this happily while wearing something sexy.
> 
> Girls should then stand at the take-out with a smile on their faces while we drink 5 beers and get progressively louder.
> 
> Girls don't belong in a man's sport.


That's funny... Some of us do all those things AND row our guy's shit through class IV on overnighters!

Maybe girls don't belong in the sport, but there are lots of women who do


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## Phillips

Elephant rock said:


> As the lines goes "Don't ask me how I know I don't want to talk about it."
> So you have a throwbag,but can you hit a swimmer with it?
> Hows is your first aid kit and your skills at first aid?
> If somebody says Z-drag are you looking for a Nissan sports car?
> Speaking of the shuttle where are the keys if the driver can't tell you or isn't around?
> Extra gear?I know its hard to fit in that new playboat"surfin shower slipper III" but a warm coat can make a big difference.
> Extra oar,paddle,break down paddle for kayakers?Hand rolls and paddling are great if in your bag of tricks but in big water gets old fast.
> Yes I know some of you are a rock,never swim,or miss a line but if you really want to impress the Bettys,rescue em,don't be throwing loops as they swim past you cause they fell off that f....ng tourist boa t.
> Leave the politics for the sandbar,and help anybody out on the river that looks like they need it no matter what you might think of them on shore.
> Think!What if?Not "What now?"Know and have plan "b" in case "a" is a bust.
> And last fly with a wingman no man can be a island agianst any river I know.
> A dead boater is the worst trip you"ll ever take,the last trip if its you.


Moral of the story: If someone is swimmin, assume they need help and try a rescue.


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## TakemetotheRiver

ericnourse said:


> .
> 
> I like Takemetotheriver's joke: What's the difference between a female kayaker and a bear?
> 
> One is brown and hairy and the other is a bear.


A. That's not how it goes.

B. Don't equate one instance in which you rescued a female boater with the rest of us. I may need rescuing at some point but you can guarantee neither you or any of your friends are gonna get a leg rub out of the deal. I'll shoot a boot, say thank you, and promise to return the favor when it's your turn.

C. I think you were probably joking, but count on the Buzzards to defend our honor and our respectability in a sport that is about finesse and brains more than strength or brawn.



> Moral of the story: If someone is swimmin, assume they need help and try a rescue.


Seconded.


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## ednaout

Funny thing about EN's post....Seems to me, if you (EN) went through all that energy and effort to help the gal in need.... your river skills are pretty good....BUT if after all that... she was rubbin' on YOUR FRIEND that night... you need to up your skills off the river. I'm just sayin'...


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## Dave Frank

I had the pleasure of meeting EN today.

Nice work on cleaning out the SFP this winter btw. That run would have totally sucked with 20 portages.

Eric's skills with the women, however, are legendary. Another member of our party had some cute hippie chicks all lined up to shuttle us back to the top for a few PBRs, until he scared them off.


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## ericnourse

Dave, I had the ladies in the palm of my hand. I needed my wing-man (you). What happened?

Takemetotheriver, Totally joking of course. I was hoping you would read my post and roll your eyes. On our Grand Trip, you will realize that I'm all B.S.. I AM MR. Safety and will do anything to help anyone. Now get in the kitchen and bake me a pie.

E-


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## ericnourse

Toni said:


> That's funny... Some of us do all those things AND row our guy's shit through class IV on overnighters!
> 
> Maybe girls don't belong in the sport, but there are lots of women who do


Ok Toni, I wanted to marry Takemetotheriver. Now I want to marry you.
I'm really good with a throw rope.

E-


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## TakemetotheRiver

ericnourse said:


> Dave, I had the ladies in the palm of my hand. I needed my wing-man (you). What happened?
> 
> Takemetotheriver, Totally joking of course. I was hoping you would read my post and roll your eyes. On our Grand Trip, you will realize that I'm all B.S.. I AM MR. Safety and will do anything to help anyone. Now get in the kitchen and bake me a pie.
> 
> E-


I did roll my eyes, but my computer couldn't see it. Besides the throw rope, I hope you're good with a dutch oven, because after I save your ass on the Grand trip I expect cherry cobbler for dessert.


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## jeffsssmith

> I hope you're good with a dutch oven, because after I save your ass on the Grand trip I expect cherry cobbler for dessert.


I would expect Knob Gobbler pie after rescuing a girl.


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## Toni

Eric, I am so very flattered and I hate to put a damper on your Sunday...but your "wing-man" from yesterday has already scooped me up.


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## ericnourse

Toni said:


> Eric, I am so very flattered and I hate to put a damper on your Sunday...but your "wing-man" from yesterday has already scooped me up.


Toni, If I make you a cobbler in a dutch oven, will you take me back? I'l clean your dash and wear something sexy. I'll even arch my back while I do it.

E-

P.S. I'm heading over to Dave's right now to kick his ass.


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## Toni

I dont' know man...I heard about your comment yesterday, after you found out it was my boat that was stolen off of our truck!


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## sward

Jeffsmith I almost blew my beer all over my LT when I read that response. Toni, glad ur still teaching Dave the way of the river. Hope to see you gus soon.

Steve.


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## ericnourse

Toni said:


> I dont' know man...I heard about your comment yesterday, after you found out it was my boat that was stolen off of our truck!


Let's stay focused! Safety! I'm offended when others put safety 2nd. Toni...quit horseing around. If I drop my koozy in the river, I expect you to save it. If you need your sleeping bag unrolled, I'll be there for you. 

Let's stay focused people.


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## freexbiker

Safety *IS* the name of the game here....


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## superpuma

[]Safety *IS* the name of the game here....[/quote]

Safty at all times on the river!!
D.O. Pork Roast for dinner & Cherry cobbler for dessert.
Eric, I have seen some class 5 camps ;>) if I tell you to put on your helment and PFD in camp --do it or go to bed!!!


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## superpuma

Takemetotheriver, for you veg. Chili Relleno and Peach Pie.


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