# River jokes!



## Wack-Attack

So summer is around the corner and though there is a lot of hostility towards commercial guides on here, I think it is time to poke some fun at ourselves. Well also so us commercial people can get some new jokes to work the tips. I want to hear all of your great boating jokes.

-What did the egg say to the boiling pot of water?
_I'd love to jump in you and get hard but I just got laid this moning._

As a dirty yeti female raft guide on no other than the Ark, I feel this one is only ever so fitting considering my fully earned "douchette" status.

-What do groovers and a female raft guides have in common?
_If the seat is still warm then you know your buddy was just there.

"ewwwaaa... thats soooo grossss, but as an Ark guide I really just don't give a shit"- The fearless honey badger_


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## Ladderboy

What's the difference between a guide and god?

God dosn't think he is a guide.....


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## tmaggert

Whats the difference between a female raft guide and a laundry machine?
A laundry machine doesn't follow you around all summer after you drop a load in it.


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## idahofloater

Ladderboy said:


> What's the difference between a guide and god?
> 
> God dosn't think he is a guide.....


so true! its not even funny.


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## TakemetotheRiver

What's the difference between a female raft guide and a bear?

One is big, brown and hairy and the other one's a bear.

How do you find a male raft guide in the dark?

It's not hard.


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## whip

Waddya call a raftguide who just broke with his/her boy/girl friend?







Homeless!


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## montuckyhuck

This one is all about presentation and can really go either way. I've actually told it around a campfire of lesbian feministas and was not acuasted. It even got a laugh.
Q: how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: two...one to screw it in and one to suck my dick

What's the difference between a plastic bag and a priest?

One is dangerous around children and one is a plastic bag.


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## TakemetotheRiver

*Lightbulb Jokes...*

How many raft guides does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10- one to screw it in, and 9 to exaggerate the size of the hole...


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## nervouswater

What is the difference between a raft guide and a mutual fund?

A mutual fund eventually matures and makes money.


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## Wack-Attack

Hahaha... Yes keep them coming.

Another on of my favorites is a little longer but is great for between rapids.

So a priest and a raft guide die at the same time and while waiting at the pearl gates learn that there is only one spot open. Naturally the priest feels that he has nothing to worry about since he devoted his whole life to preaching gods word. On the other hand the raft guide is a bit worried remembering all the trouble he cuased (especially at disco). 
St. Peter returns to tell them that God has decided to let the raft guide in. When the priest questions his choice St Peter responds with "yes but you did devote your life to god but, when you spoke people slept and when the raft guide spoke people prayed!"


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## Nathan

What's the difference between a female raft guide and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after three periods.


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## raftkat

What's the first thing a female raft guide says after sex?
_Soooo....do you guys all work for the same company?_


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## montuckyhuck

raftkat said:


> What's the first thing a female raft guide says after sex?
> _Soooo....do you guys all work for the same company?_


Wow...just wow.


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## caught_the_bug

i'll throw a clean one in here:

Why are rivers so rich? cause they have 2 banks!


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## CWorthy

Maybe I'm just stating the obvious, but, how do you know a raft guide's lying?

A: His/her lips are moving.


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## bosco

Do you know the difference between a female raft guide and bowling ball?

Two punchlines:
1. If you really HAD to, you could eat a bowling ball

2. You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball


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## bob larrabee

What does a river guide and a stage coach driver have in common?
They both have to look at 6 horse's asses all day.


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## BmfnL

Guest on a luxury lodge-to-lodge float in AK:
"Ahh... I wonder what the poor people are doing today..."

Me:
"Rowin' your ass down the river."


and a joke:
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottsman?
Mick says, "Hey you get offa my cloud!"
The Scottsman says, "Hey Macleod! Get offa my ewe!"


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## Kendi

What's the difference between a raft guide and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4......


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## calendar16

a joke a coworker said to me while I was making a PB&J sandwich that made laugh out loud profusely...

Q: Do you know the difference between jam and jelly?

A: I can't jelly my dick into your ass...

haha!


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## riverrat

How many raft guides does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two Answers:
1. Doesn't matter, none of us have electricity anyway. 
2. Raft guides don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.


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## MountainMedic

where do you hide your money from a dirty Ark guide?

under the soap. they'll never find it.


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## montuckyhuck

calendar16 said:


> a joke a coworker said to me while I was making a PB&J sandwich that made laugh out loud profusely...
> 
> Q: Do you know the difference between jam and jelly?
> 
> A: I can't jelly my dick into your ass...
> 
> haha!


It is called KY


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## junkshowriverchick

since i am also of the 'female raft guide' tribe, this one seems relevant:



Q: If the stork is the bird of conception, what is the bird of contraception?


A: The swallow!


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## G_reg

Not on here yet--really? Here goes. 
How can you tell a female raft guide is on the rag?

She's only wearing one sock.


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## Ladderboy

How do you know when a raft guide walks into a bar?

When he walks in he will let you know he is a raft guide.


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## raymo

A female raft guide pouring coffee for a male raft guide, asks how do you take your coffee? He says, like I take my women and she replys, sorry we do'nt have any fat ugly coffee.


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## Ryanrugger

What do you call a dirty yeti ark river guide with 4 quarters on her head?

All you can eat under a buck!!

What do you call a dirty female yeti ark river guide with a runny nose?

Full!! 
Wahh ah ha haqhaha hah ha ha


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## northfwestg

whats the difference between a raft guide and poverty,
A TIP MOTHER FERS


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## northfwestg

whats the difference between a shuttle driver and a river guide,
SOBRIETY.


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## northfwestg

Whats the difference between a canoe and a Canadian,
CANOES TIP


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## CO.rafter

What to say to a raft guide on the river when they ask, "how are you today?" as you float by them: " A whole lot better than you, want a beer?"

makes em' cringe a little


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## northfwestg

whats the difference between a paco pad and a thermarest,
you can surf a paco


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## northfwestg

what do you call a raft guide in a neck tie
THE DEFENDENT.


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## The Mogur

How do you save a drowning kayaker?

WHO CARES?


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## Theophilus

How do you get to be a raft guide? 

Sleep with a dude.


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## rebel1916

How do you get a female raft guide pregnant?
Jerk off on her chacos and let the flies handle the rest!


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## joecoolives

G_reg said:


> Not on here yet--really? Here goes.
> How can you tell a female raft guide is on the rag?
> 
> She's only wearing one sock.


What is the leading cause of death for female raft guides?

Toxic sock syndrome


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## raymo

joecoolives said:


> What is the leading cause of death for female raft guides?
> 
> Toxic sock syndrome


Nice rebound.


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## hnw2

How do you know someone is a raft guide?

They tell you.


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## montuckyhuck

The Mogur said:


> How do you save a drowning kayaker?
> 
> WHO CARES?


Has it really not occurred to you that your avatar looks like a post menipausel, sexualy confused house wife? Just sayin....


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## slamkal

Just thought of this one while looking at my cooler ...

What is the difference between a Yeti Cooler and a Female Yeti Ark guide?



The Grizzly Bear has learned he doesn't get anything when he fucks with a Yeti Cooler.


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## Airborne2504

*Beer and Blondes*

Q: How's coors light like having sex in a kayak? 
A: They are both F***ing near water.

* A blonde was driving down the road when she looked to her left and saw another blonde paddling her kayak in a field of crops.
She pulled over, got out and shouted to the blonde in the kayak, "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! You're lucky I can't swim, else I'd come over there and sort you out!


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## Airborne2504

*WW Better than Sex*

Why Whitewater is better than Sex!

You don't have to take the river to dinner beforehand

The bigger and deeper is the hole - the better

You don't mind having someone probe that hole before you

An old hole can have a reputation & still be a good hole

With practice, nearly everyone can roll over and do it again

Good old "Eddy" is usually there to help calm you after a "premature ejaculation"

All the protective wear doesn't take away the thrill

Not only females get wet & excited after sufficient stimulation

No one complains about the wet spots afterwards

After you've done it all and are spent and exhausted - the river never tires of whispering sweet nothings in your ear.


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## Ryanrugger

How are chick yeti ark guides like a moped?

They're fun to ride until your friends see you. 

How are chick yeti ark guides and McDonalds alike?

Over 1 billion dudes served!


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## moxie

What did the fish say when she swam into the concrete wall?


Dam.


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## Buckrodgers

Nathan said:


> What's the difference between a female raft guide and a hockey player?
> 
> The hockey player showers after three periods.


I's like to add to this one:

A hockey player showers and changes pads after three periods.


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## junkshowriverchick

hahaha alex i love it!!!

you still ended it with a sweet one though...

she does whisper sweet nothings especially when you are camped above a rapid...


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## rpludwig

*A youtube raft joke*

Raft Guide Jokes - YouTube


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## LSB

Whats the difference between a female raft guide and a 57 Chevy
Not everyone has had a 57 Chevy

How do you get 20 raft guides into a closet
Tell them they can live there all summer for free


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## agunnoe

CO.rafter said:


> What to say to a raft guide on the river when they ask, "how are you today?" as you float by them: " A whole lot better than you, want a beer?"
> 
> makes em' cringe a little


awesome!


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## agunnoe

Here's a classic: 

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall of concrete? 

Dam!

its all about the timeing...


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## JonasJ

A female raft guide walks into a bar and drinks 10 Coors Lights. As the evening progresses the male raft guides have there way with her, one after another. The following day she returns to the bar and the bar keep asks “10 Coors Lights?” to which she replies “no not this time, give me Pabst, Coors makes my pussy hurt”


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## g.soutiere

How do you get a raft guide out of your house?

take their weed and charge them rent.


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## davecosnowboarder

What kind of grass does a raft guide smoke?

Yours.


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## jshap

what is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a kayak?

where you attach the dirt bag


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## bigben

*dead baby jokes, anyone?!?*

so i loved this thread when i first saw it a few years ago. but now you're all repeating earlier jokes.... 
so i got a dandy for ya'll. not exactly river related, but oh well...

anyone know the difference between a dead baby and an orange??
i don't usually cum inside an orange before i eat it...

come on partypeople, i know you all got some wicked dead baby jokes, let's hear them too while we're at it!!


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## g.soutiere

A priest and a rabbi are driving past an elementary school. The priest says to the rabbi, want to screw some children? The rabbi responds screw them out of what?


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## Imus586

What's the difference between a female raft guide and a jar of peanut butter ? 

You can't fit your fist in a jar of peanut butter

What's the difference between a female raft guide and 9/11 ? 

The twin towers only went down on 3,000 people.


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## tripple

What do female raft guides and parking spots have in common?

The good ones are taken, the others are way f-ing out there, and the rest are handicap.

and now a little off color...

How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?

Doritos.

and just a good one...

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. As he is passing through the pearly gates, Saint Peter says "Hey Zebra, do you have your question ready?"
Zebra "What question?"
Saint Peter replies "You get to ask god one question."
Zebra "Oh good, I've been wondering this forever."
Zebra approaches God and says "Am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?"
God says "My son, you are what you are."
Zebra is confused and a little irritated as he walks back past Saint Peter.
Saint Peter says "What did he say?"
Zebra replies "He said 'you are what you are.' What the hell does that mean?"
Saint Peter "Oh that means you are white with black stripes, cause if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is."


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## Learch

slamkal said:


> Just thought of this one while looking at my cooler ...
> 
> What is the difference between a Yeti Cooler and a Female Yeti Ark guide?
> 
> 
> 
> The Grizzly Bear has learned he doesn't get anything when he fucks with a Yeti Cooler.


First one that made me laugh out loud


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## joey11

rpludwig said:


> Raft Guide Jokes - YouTube


Haha she tells jokes just about as good as she J strokes!


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## Jjahn8

Why are hurricanes always named after women...

Because when they show up they're wet and wild and when they leave they usually take your car and your house.


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## DoubleYouEss

Now as you read this you should use a South Carolina or Georgia female accent for anything in quotations.


Three southern belles; Bobby Sue, Sarah May and Betty Lou, are sitting on the veranda of one of there mansions talking about what ther husbands did for them over the summer.

Bobby Sue tells the girls, "On our summer vacation, my husband took me to Europe. We travelled all over for 6 weeks, visiting France, Spain Germany, Switzerland and Holland. We drank wine and had the perfect summer." The ladies all responded "How nice, how very, very nice."

Sarah May tells the group about her summer, "My husband rented an RV an we drove all over the United States. We went to Nashville, St. Louis, New York City, Boston, Denver, San Francisco, Seattle and San Antonio visiting all sorts of famous places and national parks." The ladies responded, "Ooo how nice, how very, very nice!"

Finally both Sarah May and Bobby Sue ask Betty Lou what she did over her summer. She replied with, "My husband sent me to charm school." Shocked the women said, "Charm school!?? Why on Earth would he send you to charm school??" Betty Lou replies with, "He sent me to charm school so I could learn to say 'How nice, how very, very nice' instead of 'FUCK YOU!' "


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## jmacn

-What's the difference between a Cornhusker with Epilepsy, and a Hooker with Diarrhea?

-Cornhusker Shucks between Fits!


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## swiftwater15

*Blonde raft guide*

A blonde raft guide flips and dumps a load of passengers. They lose the boat. The crew ends up river left; she ends up river right. Over the water noise, the crew shouts across "how do we get to the other side?" The blonde shouts back "You ARE on the other side."

I take solace in the certainty that this is not the lamest joke in this thread,


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## Kendi

swiftwater15 said:


> A blonde raft guide flips and dumps a load of passengers. They lose the boat. The crew ends up river left; she ends up river right. Over the water noise, the crew shouts across "how do we get to the other side?" The blonde shouts back "You ARE on the other side."
> 
> I take solace in the certainty that this is not the lamest joke in this thread,


 Hey now- I'm a blonde guide...and I've only done that once...  
(J/K)


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## montuckyhuck

So this guys wife hates him kayaking, but promised to shuttle him on a Saturday. Saturday comes and she says she doesn't feel like doing it anymore. He says "you already promised we could go! You can either give me a blow job, take it in the butt or drive shuttle". She agrees to give a blow job to get out of it. As soon as she starts she says "oh gross! Your dick tastes like shit." He says "yeah, the dog wouldn't come kayaking either".


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## treehugger

Someone asked for dead baby jokes......



*What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire? * 
A baby shot through a snowblower.
 

*What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?* 
Deep Throat.
 

*Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?* 
So you can see the expression on its face
*What is better than a dead baby? * 
The revoked child-support.
 

*What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? * 
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.


*What is pink and red and sits in a corner? * 
A baby chewing on razor blades.
 

*What is green and sits in a corner? * 
The same baby, six weeks later.
 

*What do vegetarian ogres eat? * 
Cabbage patch kids.


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## treehugger

Q:What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? 

A:One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.


A playboater has a nasty ride down a very chunky rapid. After he bounces off the last rock, he rolls up and starts checking out the damage. His friend comes over and asks if he's all right.
"No, it hurts everywhere!"
"Everywhere?"
"Yeah, look. When I touch here (pointing to his nose) it hurts. When I touch here (pointing to his elbow) it hurts. When I touch here (pointing to his shoulder) it hurts. When I touch here..."
"I know what the problem is ... your finger's broken!"


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## Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest, and acne? Acne at least waits til the boy is 12 before it cums on his face.


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## F.A.A.C. Slim

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Because her tits were too big for b shells


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## treehugger

Why don't tubers wear helmets?
That would imply that their head contained something that's worth investing $30 to protect.


Drunken sailor stumbles into the brothel with 3 bucks to his name.

Business is dead, so the madam sets him up with her oldest, skankiest whore, 'ol Hazel.

He climbs the stairs, and enters the dark, musty room where Hazel plies her trade. "C'mon in sonny, let's get to it!"

He puts it in, and exclaims, "Ugh, that thing feels like sandpaper, can't ya get it wet anymore?"

"Hold on sailor, I think I can do something..."

He puts it in again, and it feels great. "Ah, that's better, whadja do, squeeze some KY on it?"

"Sonny, for three bucks, you don't get KY. I just picked the scabs and let the pus run."





Whats yellow and orange and looks good on a hippy.

Fire.


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## treehugger

How is spinach like anal sex?

It is hard to enjoy either as an adult if it was forced on you as a child.


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## caverdan

Two Trees and A Woodpecker


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' 

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a
beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have
ever poked my pecker into.​


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## rpludwig

whats the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke!


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## yesimapirate

If the bird of "love" is the dove, then what's the bird of "like"?

The swallow!


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## heavyswimmer

A couple clean ones.


What's a pirates favorite letter... Arrrrrr!

What is a pirates favorite vegetable... the Arrrrtichoke!

What branch of the military would a pirate join... (wait for one of them to inevitably say Arrrrmy) No, the Navy... boats and stuff silly.




Three guys sitting around a campfire, a Californian, an Oregonian, and a Texan.

The Texan pulls out a Lonestar Ale, takes a sip, then throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. He says, we go so much of that shit where I come from we just waste it.

The Californian then pulls out a bottle of White Zinfandel or something fruity, takes a sip of it, throws it in the air and shoots it. He says, we got so much of that shit where I come from we just waste it.

The Oregonian pulls out a Mirror Pond Pale Ale, turns it up, and drinks the whole thing. Throws the bottle up in the air, turns, and shoots the Californian, then catches the empty bottle. He says, we go so many of them damn things where I come from we just waste 'em, not to mention, this bottle is worth a nickle.


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## denachuck

*More Pirates*

A pirate walks into a bar with a large ships steering wheel down the front of his pants.

Bartender says "Jeez buddy, that looks like it must hurt!"




Pirate says "Arrrrrr, its drivin' me nuts!"


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## yesimapirate

Happy National Joke Day. Brought this thread out of retirement in honor of said day.


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## LSB

Two newlyweds check into the honeymoon suite of a resort in Colorado.
But early every morning the desk clerk sees the groom wade out into the river and stand there and fly fish all day long until well after dark.
On about the fifth day he tells the groom " You know we have a lot of newly weds stay here and we barely ever see them because they are always locked up in the room having sex.
The groom says " well I cant do that because my new wife has gonorrhea" 
Desk clerk says " have you tried oral sex"
The groom says " I cant do that either because my wife has Pyorrhea" 
Desk clerk says " have you tried anal sex"
The groom says " I cant do that either because my wife has diarrhea" 
Desk clerk says " MY GOD, Why would you marry such a woman"
The groom says " well she's got worms too and I do love to fish"


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## MountainmanPete

What's the difference for the female RAFTING guide and a spider?

A spider has eight hairy legs.


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## MountainmanPete

I can't believe this one's not on here yet.

What's the difference between a hockey goalie and A female rafting guide?

The hockey goalie changes their pads after every third period.


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## MountainmanPete

Oh dang, I guess it was posted already. I will have to redeem myself:

What did the lady at the beausay to Michael Jackson?

"Excuse me, you're in my son."


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## glenn

Whats long, narrow, brown and sticky?
A stick

What kind of cheese can't jump or dance?
White American

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Hello Ladies


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## Snakerivergirl

A rafting dude was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young rafting woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian."
The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"


Sent from my iPad using Mountain Buzz


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## Snakerivergirl

A rafter dude went to buy pizza after a long week on the river and while ordering, the assistant asked him if he wanted his pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" he said, "I could never eat twelve!"


Sent from my iPad using Mountain Buzz


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## mattman

So when I was a guide, my head boatman walks into the bar, has a few drinks, and asks this beautiful woman at the bar, " how do you like your eggs?" she replies " Unfertilized".


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## mattman

Little bo peep, and Buzz Lightyear from "Toy Story" are in Woody's room, and Woody walks in on them, when he says "what the heck is this" she replies, "It's like, you have a friend in me?"


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## mattman

What's the difference between a raft guide and a cat fish? One has whiskers and smells funny, other ones just a fish.
What's the difference between a raft guide and a park bench? Park bench can support a family of 3.
Three raft guides are in a car, who's driving? The police officer.


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## raymo

Two raft guides are having sex in their tent, when one asks the other, if she could get pregnant by having anal sex and her partner for the night says sure, where do do you think kayaker's come from, then she says that explains it.


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## Jungle Jane

A cannibal walks into butcher's market.

"What meat do you have for sale today?"

Butcher says, ":Its your lucky day! We have doctor brains for $4.95/lb., Rocket Scientist's brains for $5.95/lb, and we just got in a shipment of RIVER RUNNERS' BRAINS for $19.95/lb!"

Cannibal replies, "Why are river runner brains so much more expensive than doctor's or rocket scientist brains?"

Butcher; "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how many river runners it takes to make a pound of brains?"


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## Managan

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

What's green and fuzzy and if it falls from a tree will kill you?

A pool table


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## caverdan

What did the first kayak helmet say to the second helmet??


Wait here.................I'll go on a head.


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## Wadeinthewater

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

What's a pirates favorite vegetable?

Corn on the cob

?????

Because it is a-buck-an-ear.


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## MountainmanPete

What did the Pirate say on his 80th Birthday? 

Aye Matey! 

_____________________________________
Why did the pirate go on vacation? 

He needed a little Arrgh and Arrgh!


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## Electric-Mayhem

A modification to a previously posted pirate dad joke...

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

_Everyone says "Arrrrrrhh!"_

and you say "Aye, you'd think it be R but my first love is the Sea"


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## bigben

Damn, kinda fun to read thru this thread again!!!

So what's the difference between a raft guide and a picnic bench?
Picnic bench can support a family

Difference between a female raft guide and The Octo-Mom??
I've only ever seen a female raft guide have 73 fingers stuffed inside of her at the same time


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## bigben

Know why Smokey the Bear never got married?
If his wife was to hot he'd have to beat her with a shovel and bury her in dirt.

So what qualifies as a river joke??

Know why Princess Diana crossed the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt
haha


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## mattman

What do you call a Kayaker with a wife and kids?
A rafter.


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## sealion

Variation on a previous

How do you get six raft guides to move into your closet?
Let them.

Sent from my XT1585 using Mountain Buzz mobile app


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