# Would you/Could you quit your river addiction?



## gannon_w (Jun 27, 2006)

The river is part of what makes you you. If your wife does love you then much of what she loves (your fitness, your "extreme" mentality, willingness to risk yourself in a dangerous situation etc.) is because of the river. You would be someone different without the river and she would then lose a potentially huge part of what she loves...Of course if she loves everything about you except the river then there's a problem.


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## Outlaw (Mar 8, 2010)

Kali, I didn't realize that you had a lesbian spouse! I guess it's legal and all in Washington these days . There's nothing wrong with that! 

Just kidding! It just cracked me up when the response was regarding your "wife". 

Hope you're doing well. I'm in the midst of final exam hell, and I can definitely related to your thoughts on the river.


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## shappattack (Jul 17, 2008)

Who would choose a spouse that didn't also like river trips? Secondly, a spouse that asks you to give up activities that you very much enjoy and part part of your being, is no spouse to have and shouldn't have been chosen as a spouse in the first place. My wife boats and we love it together. I climb and she does not, but she would never tell me to stop. She loves long distance running and I don't. I would never tell her to stop. It is mutual respect and love for each other that allows each of us to give the other time to do the activies they love, even though we do most stuff together, the time apart is also important. Been working great so far for 15 years.


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## Fallingup (Feb 27, 2010)

Its a deal breaker for me. But I am also not married so I am looking at it from a different prospective. I just ended a relationship 2 months ago with a non boater. I wont date and would certainly never marry anyone who doesn't have a passion for the water like me. 
End of story.

Besides only a boater would have a tolerance for the smell of wet gear on his (her) chica.


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## bob larrabee (Apr 4, 2007)

I would rather boat than fuck. Given the option I would combine the two. This is not written in stone however, I need to take it on a case by case basis. For instance I would rather do a Grand trip any time but in the dead of winter than screw just about anyone. On the other hand I would rather pork any super model than paddle browns canyon, unless, of course it is flowing 4000. I would also probably have sex with just about anyone before I would go down the upper C on a weekend.


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## cayo 2 (Apr 20, 2007)

Bob LOL,that is a very well reasoned approach


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## carvedog (May 11, 2005)

bob larrabee said:


> I would rather boat than fuck. Given the option I would combine the two. This is not written in stone however, I need to take it on a case by case basis. For instance I would rather do a Grand trip any time but in the dead of winter than screw just about anyone. On the other hand I would rather pork any super model than paddle browns canyon, unless, of course it is flowing 4000. I would also probably have sex with just about anyone before I would go down the upper C on a weekend.


Good comparisons. 

To the OP: It's not the choosing of the thing that is the deal breaker as much as it would be that she asked me to not do something that means so much to me. 

Bye, bye Love. Hello Happiness.


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## MT4Runner (Apr 6, 2012)

I gave up kayaking for several years while my kids were small.



...and took up rafting.

I'd rather kayak than raft, but I'd rather raft with my wife and kids than kayak with "the guys".


Now my girls are 8 and 10 and learning to kayak. I might be able to have my cake and eat it, too!! 

Could I quit my river addiction? Never. After not being in a kayak for 3 years, I found myself on the Lochsa last summer. It was like getting re-addicted to crack.


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## hojo (Jun 26, 2008)

gannon_w said:


> The river is part of what makes you you. If your wife does love you then much of what she loves (your fitness, your "extreme" mentality, willingness to risk yourself in a dangerous situation etc.) is because of the river. You would be someone different without the river and she would then lose a potentially huge part of what she loves...Of course if she loves everything about you except the river then there's a problem.


Gannon speaks the truth... His husband would never make him pick between the river and sweet sweet man love.


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## Fallingup (Feb 27, 2010)

I think it also matters if you met that person BEFORE you got into whitewater. 
I think people who were boaters first have a bit of a bias over dating someone who is into whitewater or not.

Having hobbies that are different than you spouse is more than healthy; its almost a requirement. I would never want my guy to do yoga with me and I would not have fun at a Nascar race( well, you never know) but probably not.
But the thing is that to most water folk (not all, but most)..boating is MORE than just a hobby as has been stated before. 
It is a lifestyle and how could you lead a lifestyle without the one you love?


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## Kendi (May 15, 2009)

Yeah- basically what I figured. Both of us enjoyed an occasional raft trip pre-kids. When our youngest was 1 he took a guide training course and got a chance to go down the big ditch while I stayed home with the kids. The caveat was that I would get to take GT the following year. Well I did and it matched up perfectly with everything I had been doing in my life pre-kids and I fell in love with the river (already loved water- lifeguard for 20+ years and a degree in Marine Bio). 

Problem arose when I became better at it than him (both as a guide and I'm much more social than he is). He has told me I "ruined" rafting for him. He is not interested in it to the degree he has asked me to stop since all it does is remind him that he "used" to like it. 

Don't think I can stop, and I have tried to involve him many times. He hunts and fishes like an obsession and I'm ok with it as long as I get my river time.

Meh....this isn't looking good. Hooray for the Monday blah's...........


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## MT4Runner (Apr 6, 2012)

Kendi said:


> Problem arose when I became better at it than him (both as a guide and I'm much more social than he is). He has told me I "ruined" rafting for him. He is not interested in it to the degree he has asked me to stop since all it does is remind him that he "used" to like it.


I'm guessing it's got nothing with the river, and he's jealous of your success.  [/Freud]

There's no rule that he has to be social to enjoy the river, and his reasons for not liking the river anymore are his problem, not yours!!



Kendi said:


> Don't think I can stop, and I have tried to involve him many times. He hunts and fishes like an obsession and I'm ok with it as long as I get my river time....


Keep getting your river time and involve the kiddos.
Tell him if he won't join you on the river that your river time is analogous to his fishing and hunting time. If you don't love to hunt and fish with him, you (obviously) take the kids and give him a "kitchen pass" to go hunting. Then, remind him that he owes you the same kitchen pass and hang with the kiddos while you hit some gnarly water....or grin and bear it for a family overnight trip or three a year.

My wife doesn't kayak, never will. She doesn't like Class IV. Probably never will. I do modify my own expectations to do more daytrips on Class III to involve her (and the kids), and make sure that I show her a good time in camp after I do Class IV runs. You can make it work if you both want to.


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## MountainMedic (Apr 24, 2010)

Kendi said:


> Yeah- basically what I figured. Both of us enjoyed an occasional raft trip pre-kids. When our youngest was 1 he took a guide training course and got a chance to go down the big ditch while I stayed home with the kids. The caveat was that I would get to take GT the following year. Well I did and it matched up perfectly with everything I had been doing in my life pre-kids and I fell in love with the river (already loved water- lifeguard for 20+ years and a degree in Marine Bio).
> 
> Problem arose when I became better at it than him (both as a guide and I'm much more social than he is). He has told me I "ruined" rafting for him. He is not interested in it to the degree he has asked me to stop since all it does is remind him that he "used" to like it.
> 
> ...


Yikes!


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## shappattack (Jul 17, 2008)

Kendi said:


> Yeah- basically what I figured. Both of us enjoyed an occasional raft trip pre-kids. When our youngest was 1 he took a guide training course and got a chance to go down the big ditch while I stayed home with the kids. The caveat was that I would get to take GT the following year. Well I did and it matched up perfectly with everything I had been doing in my life pre-kids and I fell in love with the river (already loved water- lifeguard for 20+ years and a degree in Marine Bio).
> 
> Problem arose when I became better at it than him (both as a guide and I'm much more social than he is). He has told me I "ruined" rafting for him. He is not interested in it to the degree he has asked me to stop since all it does is remind him that he "used" to like it.
> 
> ...


Obvioulsy doesn't have to do anything with rivers per say, more like jealous control freak. I bet he would be real stoked to read this thread


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## raymo (Aug 10, 2008)

My problem is I could not just do one.


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## asleep.at.the.oars (May 6, 2006)

Sounds like a problem, and like the rafting is secondary. 
Not being able to do things as a family because one member is better at it than another would preclude everything!


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## TriBri1 (Nov 15, 2011)

Unless your whitewater addition is keeping you away from the house for extended periods and you are shucking your other duties, this does not sound like a river problem. I know lots of couples that the primary river person (male or female) is surpassed in skill by the significant other. Some work, some don't, those that do find a happy medium so both in the relationship get a dose of the activities they love and find activities they can do together as well.

$5 worth of free psychiatric advice would be to find someone you can talk to and find out what the root of the problem is, I doubt it is boating.

Good luck.


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## leif (Jul 11, 2009)

This is a very weighty issue that has come up with Natalie and I. I don't really feel like posting our discussion here, but I figured that I would check in and say that it was important to us as well. Interesting to see other people's views. Thanks for sharing.


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## blutzski (Mar 31, 2004)

If your spouse is like mine they will realize that it is much preferable for you to go blow off a bad work week in Rigo than to take it out on them. 

If boating (or biking or skiing....) is in your blood, your spouse will not be a happy camper if they deprive you of it. It will sort itself out... for the worst.


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## colorado_steve (May 1, 2011)

Kendi said:


> if I had to choose between my spouse and the river which would it be (ie- if my spouse asked me to quit- would/could I?)


something like this should come up long before one is married. that being said... looks like i would have some space on my next trip


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## Theophilus (Mar 11, 2008)

Pretty sure I couldn't quit but my wife also kayaks and would never ask me to stop. The trick can be that I ski harder, bike harder, and boat harder water but it doesn't cause conflict. We accomodate each others needs. She steps up on occasion and I step down and run harder lines. It works for us.


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## gannon_w (Jun 27, 2006)

hojo said:


> Gannon speaks the truth... His husband would never make him pick between the river and sweet sweet man love.


Talking smack Hojo? I don't wanna hear you crying next time we paddle and I boof you hard...you better just take it like a man!


Wait, that didn't sound right!


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## MT4Runner (Apr 6, 2012)

MT4Runner said:


> I'm guessing it's got nothing with the river, and he's jealous of your success.  [/Freud]





shappattack said:


> Obvioulsy doesn't have to do anything with rivers per say, more like jealous control freak. I bet he would be real stoked to read this thread





asleep.at.the.oars said:


> Sounds like a problem, and like the rafting is secondary.





TriBri1 said:


> $5 worth of free psychiatric advice would be to find someone you can talk to and find out what the root of the problem is, I doubt it is boating.
> 
> Good luck.


I see a pattern of advice here.

More people than you'd think have "been there".

"You're spending too much time kayaking" was what my wife told me back in '04 or '05.  It really had little to do with kayaking, but that was an easy thing for my wife to vocalize--what she meant was that I wasn't being a good Dad or husband. It took me quite awhile to get my "stuff" in order, and she had some things to work out, too, but now that I'm being a "good Dad and husband", it's much, much, much easier to get the OK to go spend an afternoon on the river, and more often than not, I have my family in the boat with me.

Good luck, Kendi!


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## Kendi (May 15, 2009)

I appreciate the replies. We have been married for 14 years. This has been an issue for 4 of them. With boating season starting- my usual time away is every other weekend April-July (ie-around 8 times a year). Half of the time I take the kids with me and camp. The rest of the time I'm doing the June Cleaver routine (I work part time and have young kids).

He chooses to hunt and fish nearly every weekend (and many weekdays as well). I usually am home with the kids or I take them rafting- either way, it's me that usually has them (ask the people I work with who would prefer I leave them at home- lol). 

I'd never ask him to give up hunting/fishing because that makes him happy. I'm truely puzzled why he thinks I can/should give up rafting.

Maybe I'm being stubborn and selfish but this situation blows big time. And to reply to a previous post- yeah he'd be less than thrilled if he found out I was asking an online group of boaters their opinions...


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## MT4Runner (Apr 6, 2012)

Kendi said:


> Maybe I'm being stubborn and selfish but this situation blows big time.


In all likelihood, you both are being stubborn and selfish. It's rarely just one person. There are things you're likely both doing that are bugging the other, and you're lashing out at their obvious joys--river time for you, hunting/fishing for him. Expect to fix whatever you're doing that's bugging him (and I'm guessing it's not your going rafting) before you can get him to change his attitude and fix his "stuff".....and you can only change you, he can only change him--you both have to want to fix things before you can truly fix things. [/drphil]

Maybe you need a "2nd honeymoon" to sort things out--and not on the river or hunting/fishing.



> And to reply to a previous post- yeah he'd be less than thrilled if he found out I was asking an online group of boaters their opinions...


Good advice is good advice, I've gotten very good personal advice from my e-friends. Possibly your local friends are too close to your situation to notice--or to say anything.


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## catwoman (Jun 22, 2009)

wait...you like to raft and he likes to fish, and you have young kids. Sounds perfect. You ought to be behind the oars on the mellow fishin' runs all summer long with hubby fishing and the kids learning the ways of the river. Why on earth would someone who likes to fish want his wife to quit rafting?


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## wildh2onriver (Jul 21, 2009)

catwoman said:


> wait...you like to raft and he likes to fish, and you have young kids. Sounds perfect. You ought to be behind the oars on the mellow fishin' runs all summer long with hubby fishing and the kids learning the ways of the river. Why on earth would someone who likes to fish want his wife to quit rafting?


Because the real issues are not about hunting, fishing and rafting, is my guess. That being said, maybe marriage counseling is in order? Couldn't hurt, you both owe it to yourselves and especially to your small children. 

There, enough of my 'Dear Blabby' imitation.


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## gannon_w (Jun 27, 2006)

Kendi said:


> He chooses to hunt and fish nearly every weekend (and many weekdays as well). I usually am home with the kids or I take them rafting- either way, it's me that usually has them (ask the people I work with who would prefer I leave them at home- lol).


So why doesn't he take them hunting and you paddle nearly every weekend and many weekdays?

You should actually count the number of days you each get to have fun!


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## lhowemt (Apr 5, 2007)

Kendi said:


> He has told me I "ruined" rafting for him. He is not interested in it to the degree he has asked me to stop since all it does is remind him that he "used" to like it.


This is not a good thing. Shame and blame are red flags for something else going on. He's got some bad feelings, likely can't deal with them, and it's easier to blame you for them than face them. You are not responsible for someone else's experience, even your husbands. You play a role, but ultimately if rafting is ruined for him it's his own baggage. You have two options. Try to ignore it and accept the conflict, which with kids would be bad because a lot of it would likely be latent. The other is to really get to the bottom of what is going on, but again it's his deal. If he is having a hard time with it, he'll have a hard time talking about it. Marriage counseling is a great tool, again esp with kids work this crap out before it festers another 5 years and blows up even worse. The problem won't go away, and you can't solve it on your own for him. If you stop boating for him, it won't solve it, there will be another issue with a different topic. Go hammer it out. Good luck, I hope he gets back into boating. I bet the kids would love to have both mom and dad playing together!


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## kazak4x4 (May 25, 2009)

@OP, depends why the spouse asks you to quit. If you are screwing around and doing something that damages the relationship, then it's fair of them to ask. If they are asking you because they are jealous of your love for the river and they are too selfish to get involved, then it's a marriage breaker now or down the road.


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## mtriverrat (Jan 29, 2012)

It's not a river addiction if you're like me - it's something that makes you whole. A supportive wife/husband wants that person to have the thing that makes them whole. If they are not supportive, well..... 

I'm lucky and my hubby's lucky as we both love to raft and in the off season we support each other's other hobbies. It's hard with young kids. We have had to take turns on the Grand and the Middle Fork so that one of us is home with the kids. Now that they are older we're all going together now - just picking rivers that aren't crazy. Best piece of marriage/mothering advise I ever got was "Mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy." The other was what kind of woman do you want your kids to grow up to be- then model it. My girls are well on the way to being river rats worse than me!!!!


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## CBrown (Oct 28, 2004)

bob larrabee said:


> I would rather boat than fuck. Given the option I would combine the two. This is not written in stone however, I need to take it on a case by case basis. For instance I would rather do a Grand trip any time but in the dead of winter than screw just about anyone. On the other hand I would rather pork any super model than paddle browns canyon, unless, of course it is flowing 4000. I would also probably have sex with just about anyone before I would go down the upper C on a weekend.


 
Beer just exited my nostrils and came to rest on my screen.


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## Kendi (May 15, 2009)

Again, thanks for all your replies. I will be taking all things in to consideration and yes- I know it's not just about the rafting- but so much more.
I also love hearing my boys say that they can't wait to go rafting....not about to deny them that anytime soon, but I guess I'll have to decide just how that's going to look in the future.
I appreciate you guys. Even the crusty, obnoxious ones...


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