# How much does the Canyon weigh?



## mhelm (Jun 28, 2008)

I had some pretty good ones back in the day as well... Where are the tracks for the rafts? I can't see them..... or at the put-in. Do we come all the way back around to here? My response... Yeah, we drop 400 feet in elevation, but we could end up back here somehow.


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## rebel1916 (Aug 20, 2010)

Am I gonna die?


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## mania (Oct 21, 2003)

rebel1916 said:


> Am I gonna die?


you could just say "yes... eventually"


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## mania (Oct 21, 2003)

not necessarily a dumb question but one I got all the time was "what do you do in the winter?" I would alternate between "I'm a mercenary it pays better" or "We keep rafting would you like to sign up for our January special"


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## raftkat (Jul 20, 2007)

How do the tides affect the river? (Well, we plan all our trips so that when the tide comes in, it will push us back up to the put in.)

What's the difference between magnesium and manganese?
Was that a sting ray?


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## Vonrosie (Sep 25, 2007)

Is this fresh water?


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## kcon (Apr 2, 2010)

Why does the water go this way (pointing downstream)?


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## peak (Apr 7, 2006)

Is all this sand natural?


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## climbdenali (Apr 2, 2006)

*'Mers!*

Q: How deep is it here?
A: Chest high on a duck, all day.

Q (with strong southern accent): What happens if the boat falls off of the tracks?
A: The pirates of the Carribean jump out of the bushes and slit your throat.

Q: How long have you been doing this?
A: (Look at watch. . .) About 25 minutes.

Q: What happens if the kayaker tips over?
A: He's done. There's no way to roll one of those things.

Q: Do you ever get groups who ask you so many questions you just want to kill them?
A: Nope, they make me want to flip them.

Q: I bet we're the worst paddlers you've ever had, huh?
A: Not by a long shot.


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## climbdenali (Apr 2, 2006)

Oooh! I almost forgot: (approaching take-out in Canon City) This doesn't look like the spot we started. Did we miss it?


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## raymo (Aug 10, 2008)

Q: What are we going to tell my mom and dad? A: Shit, your mom and dad are on this trip, I have to go cook breakfast.


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## dtownboater (May 13, 2008)

Q: does the water go all the way to the bottom?
A: nope, if you swim down far enough there is a gigantic air bubble you can chill in

Q: do the rocks go all the way to the bottom?
A: some, but others just float along

Q: why did the boat in front of us just flip
A: they were on the wrong tracks

Q: why aren't we following that raft? aren't we on the same track?
A: we're not!?!?! oh god!! (jump out of raft and pretend to attach boat to the tracks)


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## UserName (Sep 7, 2007)

Do we all have to sign the liability waiver?


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## JCKeck1 (Oct 28, 2003)

Q: What elevation do deer turn into elk?
A: 10,234 feet


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## hullflyer (Aug 22, 2004)

Everyone pretty much nailed it above. I guided on the Gallatin for a time and we told the custies you are guaranteed to see a bear on your trip. We got near the takeout and pointed out the carved bear on a homeowner's lawn. Har, Har!
Oh by the way the canyon wieghs exactly 9.81m/s squared on Earth; just like everything else. It would wiegh considerably less if it was located on the moon.


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## watermonkey (Aug 11, 2009)

How many fish are in the river? 12

Do fish swim upstream too? No, just down. Every year we have to take fish from the bottom and put them back in the top.

What are those fishing nets for? These aren't fishing nets, they're the Echo Canyon base for our fresh water homing tuna. We take pictures of rafters, attach the film to the homing tuna and then release them. They swim to Vernal where the pictures are developed and will be waiting for you at the Park Service office when you get done with your float.

I was later instructed to stop telling the last story, as people were wanting their pictures.


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

Q: Are there any Piranhas in this river?
A: Yes, really bright ones. So stay in the boat at all costs (wasn't really a lie most days if kayakers were out).

Q: Do we finish were we started?
A: No, that would be lake rafting around an island, not river rafting.

Q: How do you fit your legs in that thing?
A1: I'm doing a split with my right foot forward, I'll switch my legs at lunch to avoid cramps.
A2: Indian style, and I only accept tips in wampum. 
A3: LEGS?! Wow, how insensitive of you! Didn't you see my wheelchair at the put in?
A4: Oh, It's like a Flinestone's car. I'm actually running along the bottom of the river. This paddle is just to fight off tyrodactyls. 

Q: When's Lunch?
A1: Just five more minutes.
A2: Around the bend.


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## tripple (Nov 4, 2010)

Sea kayak guiding in the San Juans...
"When do the seals turn into Orcas?"


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## Nathan (Aug 7, 2004)

hullflyer said:


> Oh by the way the canyon wieghs exactly 9.81m/s squared on Earth; just like everything else. It would wiegh considerably less if it was located on the moon.


That's only half right, that is the force due to gravity the weight is force times mass, so the weight of the canyon would be that times the mass of the canyon.


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## hullflyer (Aug 22, 2004)

I stand corrected. I was just trying to be smarmy like the rest of the Buzzards.


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## tmaggert (Aug 18, 2008)

One from my brother:

Q: Are you hungover?
A: Not yet.


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## laughing water (Apr 26, 2008)

Q. What is the altitude around here in the winter?
A. Oh. It gets much higher. Thats why it snows so much then.


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## Ken Vanatta (May 29, 2004)

nmalozzi said:


> Q: How do you fit your legs in that thing?
> A1: I'm doing a split with my right foot forward, I'll switch my legs at lunch to avoid cramps.


Reminds me of the time a newbie put her spray skirt on and sat in the kayak with her legs at the stern. She asked, "Is this how it goes?" 
A: Yeah. How does that feel?


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## tacobob (May 2, 2004)

Q: Do you live here? A: I'm here on special appearance, next month I play Vegas.


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## swiftwater15 (Feb 23, 2009)

Read this somewhere, some time. Might have been Abbey:

Customer: How to I know which way is downstream?

Guide takes stick, ties string to it, and hands it to customer.

Guide: Hold on to the string, and toss the stick in the river. Downstream is the direction the stick goes.

Customer: What's the string for?

Guide: For next time.


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## wasatchbill (Apr 9, 2007)

OK, a ski liftie buddy of mine was working at the top of Albion, a beginner lift at Alta. This is his all-time favorite tourist question. A broad empty snowfield slopes gently downhill from the top of the lift, to a mid-mountain restaurant. There are no trees or rocks within a quarter mile. 
A couple gets off the lift, slows to a stop next to him, points over at the restaurant, and asks: "How do you get over there?"

He looks over at the restaurant, looks at them, and, managing to keep a straight face, says: "Go over there". :grin:
"OK, thanks!" And off they go.


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## chepora (Feb 6, 2008)

A friend of mine got asked if the Royal gorge was natural or man-made...the whole thing I got asked once if all the shiny specks in the water were gold...I wanted to say.."If they were, why the hell would I be pushing your fat ass down the river for $60 a trip.", instead I just said "yes" and started daydreaming again.


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## gannon_w (Jun 27, 2006)

hullflyer said:


> Everyone pretty much nailed it above. I guided on the Gallatin for a time and we told the custies you are guaranteed to see a bear on your trip. We got near the takeout and pointed out the carved bear on a homeowner's lawn. Har, Har!
> Oh by the way the canyon wieghs exactly 9.81m/s squared on Earth; just like everything else. It would wiegh considerably less if it was located on the moon.


Sorry Hullflyer I woulda called you on that one by saying that the acceleration due to gravity is 9.8 m/s2 in Colorado not 9.81 & that's the acceleration due to gravity not weight. You have to multiply the mass of an object (canyon) and gravity to get weight in Newtons. I think that counts as a self-own had you been talking to any HS physics kids or above.


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## gannon_w (Jun 27, 2006)

Oops just seen Nathan pointed it out about canyon weight. Sorry for the double critique!


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## caverdan (Aug 27, 2004)

Wouldn't a canyon be the lack of dirt thus being air instead of the mass or lack of mass that is now missing thus making it a canyon? In other words the weight of a canyon would be measured in air..... not soil.


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## holytamales (Dec 3, 2010)

Do the rocks go all the way to the bottom?


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## gannon_w (Jun 27, 2006)

caverdan said:


> Wouldn't a canyon be the lack of dirt thus being air instead of the mass or lack of mass that is now missing thus making it a canyon? In other words the weight of a canyon would be measured in air..... not soil.


Sounds like a thread hijacking topic. Just like a room which contains walls and floor I always considered a canyon to include the walls, floor, water etc...not just the space between them. So then it become a question of how deep within each wall is really the same layer/s that make up the canyon wall? We could approximate the weight of the air between the walls reasonably well though.


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## Nathan (Aug 7, 2004)

Last I checked air has mass...


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## JustinJam (Mar 18, 2009)

I know this isn't a river dumb question, but when I worked at Mt Rainier NP I once had a tourist ask me what time the mountain erupts each day.


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## jermdog (Apr 17, 2010)

When I worked in Yellowstone I was asked multiple times what time we let the animals out of their cages.


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## fatbob (Apr 11, 2008)

q:what is that white stuff at the top of them hills? a:snow
q:so are them there the "rocky mountains"? a:


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## raymo (Aug 10, 2008)

Q:Why do Those toilets smell so bad? A: Because people shit in them. Q: What do you do during the winter? A: Live off the tips as a river guide. Q: how many times do these boats flip?A: Just once, twice if your lucky. Q: Have you seen my daughter? A: Why, does she do magic tricks or play the guitar. How would you like your eggs?


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## paulie (Mar 18, 2007)

Is Joe Keck really going to be our guide?


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## Kendi (May 15, 2009)

I've had similar river questions but my fave non- river question (former lifeguard):

On a 100 degree day with over 500 people at the lakefront-
Q: Have you seen my little yellow rubber duckie?
A: No, but go ask Bert, he might know where it is.


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## swiftwater15 (Feb 23, 2009)

caverdan said:


> Wouldn't a canyon be the lack of dirt thus being air instead of the mass or lack of mass that is now missing thus making it a canyon? In other words the weight of a canyon would be measured in air..... not soil.


Thus, the best dumb question. Well, maybe only one of the best.


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## rebel1916 (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorta OT but similar stupidity. When I was a kid I worked in a large bookstore. People would come in regularly asking "Do you have that book? Y'know the one that was on TV last week. I think it might be blue..."


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## glcasson21 (Apr 16, 2009)

Q: Do all those people in them kayaks not have legs?

A: That is correct...this is the worlds largest collection of legless people.


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## GoodTimes (Mar 9, 2006)

Q: What is that crazy, high-pitched noise the deer make during the late summer months????????

A: It's the time of year they turn into elk....it's very painful.

(much along the same lines as the "what elevation" question).

Swear to G....i got that one once.


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## GoodTimes (Mar 9, 2006)

You BV folks should appreciate this one........

Q: What are the pipes for that run over the highway???

A: Those are prairie dog migration routes.........


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