# Shattered Whitewater Confidence



## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

I know exactly what you're going through. It happened to me last season which I consider my second season (if you take into account taking most of a season off 2 years ago). 

I found year 2 really rough. You are at a skill level typically where you are starting to up your game a bit and get into some harder stuff. In addition, you've been involved long enough to understand the river better. My first year I felt like I was god, and that I could run anything. Mainly because I didn't fully understand what I was doing, and sometimes that false confidence is all I needed to push through gnarly stuff. 

Last year though the knowledge of the river got to me, and I started over thinking. Combine that with the bad swim I had early on in the season and I was a mental mess. In all honesty, it took me most of the season to sort of work that out. I feel like you're always going to have ups and downs when it comes to the mental game. It is really hard to keep it fully in check. 

The best thing to do is just keep running things you KNOW you are capable of and get your confidence back up a bit. Then slowly start getting onto some harder runs. Make sure if you up your game you aren't making a HUGE step. Take it slow and steady, and don't think you are the only one who suffers from this. It is a common thing in the kayaking world. Also, keep reminding yourself that a year ago you were just learning to roll. You've progressed REALLY fast, and that is awesome. So don't be too hard on yourself.


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## gh (Oct 13, 2003)

Sounds like you went into Clarks, that would rock most everyone. You will get two schools of thought, go out and push your edge and htfu or back off your level and get back to enjoying the river and then start pushing it again when you feel confident again. The choice is yours and tough to say without knowing you. My choice would be to back off the level until you are enjoying it again. In the end, its about having fun, right?


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## rg5hole (May 24, 2007)

We all know where you are at amiga. For some that feeling never goes away but if you stick with it a while that will ease or even disappear.

Remember that paddling is 50% mental, 25% strength, 25% skill (plus or minus)

Royal at higher flows is intense. Give it a couple days and try to get back into browns with a solid crew. It sounds like you are from BV area so you are in the heart of step it up land with tons of options, but fractions and browns are perfect for you. You will find your confidence lags your skill and sooner or later it will catch up with your ability and make Fractions and Browns seem fun but a bit easy or even boring. Then onto the gorge again you go...

Also, if your crew was scouting for "a while" it sounds like perhaps you are paddling in a novice crew and it would benefit you to seek a skilled boater to go with you a couple of times, especially on "step up" runs. (sorry to the crew, you guys may be super solid, but I wanted to make that point)


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## danger (Oct 13, 2003)

i think we've all been there. do you have a pre-paddle routine? i need to dump water on my head before i paddle harder water. i use that as my reset/ focus moment. other people i know have to practice roll before they get in the flow. maybe try deep breathing? try ten deep breaths before putting your skirt on. 

also, go back to the runs you know at higher flows. there will be a sense of familiarity with a new challenge (higher water).

and lastly, learn to make harder water easier. either by seeking out sneak lines or getting really good at catching small eddies and boat scouting. i solo the numbers frequently and occasionally clear creek of the ark. when solo i play it really safe and catch more eddies than i would in a group and take the most conservative lines. 

it's a head game. i'll agree that ~50% of it is mental. you know how to paddle, your head just gets in the way.


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## okieboater (Oct 19, 2004)

LDean,

most all who boat any length of time will go thru what you are experiencing. Some times multiple times.

I have been thru it several times.

As mentioned before, my solution has been to go back to runs I know, practice the hard moves on easier runs, build up my skill plus confidence and when things feel right ------ step it up.

advice on having a good crew along not only for safety but for good solid support is also good. this is a big time confidence builder.

As mentioned above, I feel that that a lot of boating success or failure is "in your head". That is some amount of confidence is a good thing (over confidence is not).

One of the things I do is close my eyes and picture in my mind me running the rapid and making the right moves. This not only adds confidence it helps me nail down the line and moves required.

When the time feels right, conditions are right, crew is right, weather is right --- fire it up and have fun!!!!!


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## blutzski (Mar 31, 2004)

If it's not fun don't do it. 
1. Go back to when and where you were having fun and not scared.
2. Step it up slower this time (keep getting chundered in rowdy playholes).
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 as necessary. 

Some people have fun stepping it up quickly and getting smacked in the process.
Some people have fun staying on class III their whole lives. Find out where you fit and if it's not fun, don't do it.


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## scannon (May 2, 2006)

Great advice in this thread. 

As everyone's saying, step it down until you're having fun again. Remember why you're out there, then step it up when you're ready. Beat downs (or near beat downs) suck, and they freak us all out. Take it easy; no one enjoys being terrified.


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## adgeiser (May 26, 2009)

i went through i smaller version earlier this season.... by about a week. I ran lower clear creek for the first time and aced it, i felt awesome... then literally 3 days later ran it again and was so off. read worst day boating for me, no swim but just off on my lines, multiple flips (with missed first rolls). i was completely shaken... completely! 2 days later we were back on lower clear creek and i was scared... really really nervous, but i trusted the guy i was with, watched his lines, but watched the line and not just focusing on following him. i still flipped in elbow falls, side surfed the hole (if you call it that... i think my head was the only thing out of the water) but made it the rest of the way without issues and with a slightly restored confidence. the next day on the poudre helped even more.

but i agree for me it's about the fun... and the challenge, balance and enjoy


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## JHimick (May 12, 2006)

I find that on class IV and harder runs I'm not familiar with I usually get knotted up. The one thing that consistently keeps my confidence up is boating with solid paddlers and people familiar with the run that are good at being patient, focusing on safety, and of course having fun. Who you boat with makes a huge difference.


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## Porkchop (Sep 19, 2007)

That's boatn'. Last season had some lame swims early on, wrecked my head, and really didn't progress. this year started slow and was able to step it up. A couple thoughts. I kept tryin harder runs in my play boat and getting worked. Now i take the river runner learn the lines then take the play boat. Taking a good swift water rescue course gave me alot of respect for the river. It also gave me more confidence in that I knew what to do if things didn't go well.


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## Outlaw (Mar 8, 2010)

I'm dealing with this problem as well. The key to my success seems to be exposing myself to a lot of easy play park style and mixing in a small amount of more challenging paddling during the course of a day. This way I feel like I'm building fundamentals while keeping myself challenged. If this works for you, great! It's tough to rebuild confidence, so good luck.


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## Airborne2504 (Jul 11, 2008)

I was in this same situation/head trip during my second season too. It got me pretty bad too, so bad, that I did the exact same thing you just did, and started a thread about it.

Here's the Link to my thread, a lot of good advice here. 
http://www.mountainbuzz.com/forums/f11/losing-your-edge-river-nerves-25961.html

The best thing that worked for me, like someone here already said, and I believe that the same person posted the same advice on my thread, was to take a step back, get on runs that I was already comfortable on, have some fun again, and then worked my way back up. Not sure if I updated on my thread, but a week later, I got back on Pdale, ran 3 rocks again at just about the same flows, and cleaned it, as well as cleaned the rest of the run. Then did the Gorge many times after that too. 

I too am getting on more and more class IV stuff now, (3rd Season).

If you'd like, a friend and I are planning on doing Stevens down to the BTO tomorrow. (upper Mish down to the Bridges Take-out) You and your crew are more than welcome to join us if ya want.

Good Luck, stick with it, you'll be alright.

- Alex 
719-337-8417


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## possumturd (Jul 13, 2006)

*Confidence*

Step it back. Learn to be a really really good fundamental kayaker on easy water. Build on your confidence like laying a concrete foundation to a house. Build your house on a shaky foundation and it will eventually fall.

suggestions:
Take stroke clinic or creeking class. I took a stroke clinic a couple years ago at paddle fest and it improved my capability immensely.

Paddle technical water you are comfortable in. Hit every eddy you possibly can. Practice ferries all day long and going from eddy to eddy all the way down the river. Simple time on the water will build your foundation brick by brick.

Don't run anything that scares you.

Learn to read the water. This has taken me a long time.

Take swift water rescue classes.

As others have suggested. Paddle with people who you trust and want to help you improve and not people who just want you to step it up. In this sport these people are hard to find IMHO.

There are allot of people who get through this sport with a good boat and brawn and are not that good of paddlers. Be a good paddler first.

When I first started doing class IV stuff I was very selective about what I would do.


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## Fallingup (Feb 27, 2010)

blutzski said:


> If it's not fun don't do it.
> 1. Go back to when and where you were having fun and not scared.
> 2. Step it up slower this time (keep getting chundered in rowdy playholes).
> 3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 as necessary.
> ...


I couldn't agree more. 
Remember that Kayaking itself is an amazing sport; most of the population will never experience what we do and why we do it. That alone is truly amazing and sets us apart from many.

Don't let this beat you down, you are stronger than that!!


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## Crazy Nate (Aug 29, 2008)

Maybe you should pick up tennis? 

How many days do you put on the river a year? Sounds like time on the river would do you good. If you want to step it up you need to be paddling 70-100 days a season. If you put that many days in this season you'll be dropping into gore canyon competent but scared out of your mind next year and enjoying yourself in the royal gorge at 4,000 cfs. If you don’t put in that much time that’s ok just don’t expect to be comfortable in anything your uncomfortable in now. Doesnt matter what you paddle just paddle alot and you'll figure it out. 

There are three types of boaters;
1. Boaters that love to kayak because it scares/exhilarates them some way.
2. Boaters that love to kayak because they like the culture not getting scared. 
(These usually buy rafts and stick to flat water river trips or teach people to kayak until their students abilities surpass their own).
3. Boaters that love to kayak because they like both.


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## Theophilus (Mar 11, 2008)

It's all perspective isn't it? You ran Clark's hole, played the cards you were dealt, and won the hand. You didn't swim and you finished the rest of the run with dry hair we assume so...?? Congratulations. 

Check out this description of the Gorge written by a member of Pikes Peak Whitewater Club. American Whitewater - NWRI - Arkansas 11. Parkdale Launch to Canon City You might want to have some crib notes handy next time.

Know the run, where you are on the river, and never..ever.. stare at Sunshine. 

Clark's hole at 1460


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## Ken Vanatta (May 29, 2004)

What's needed is frequency. I believe that each year is a new year and it is imprtant to start early and boat often. For one thing, the water is less pushy. Secondly, our muscles are out of boating shape and have to be strengthened so not to be exhausted or over tense. Thirdly, we work on our aggressive control skills and get our heads into the realm of confidence and fun. Finaly, we've practiced and become comfortable during the somewhat gradually increasing water levels until suddenly the big water season arrives and you are already strong, confident, and able to enjoy the unique challenges of strong water. 

That said, it is okay to portage anything on any given day. The river will be there if you decide to challenge a rapid at another date. There should be no shame or guilt. Keep it fun and know your threshold fot it that day. However, frequency is the key. Find a place to boat that is at your level for smiling, not fearing. Keep enjoying the sport, the beauty, the serenity, the fun, and before you know it your seeing yourself comfortable where ever you predetermine will be fun that day. Before you know it, high water season is over and your able to experience some of those more intimidating locations again with confidence, building your familiarity with them, an appreciation and a desire to keep returning to them each year.

Each is a new beginning, though. So, again, we need to start early and boat often. If any year doesn't allow that, well it's not all lost make what you can of it that year, but keep it fun. There is always next year. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's all good. 

That said, someone mentioned rituals. I think it is beneficial to start your trip by fully emersing yourself in the river just before you get into your boat. One, this helps awaken you, clear your head, and relax you. I think it helps put you in harmony with the river that you are about to slide into. It also helps cool you down if you were a bit heat exhausted with all your dry gear and effort getting ready to launch. It also lubricates all your gear so that your not seemingly too tight and restricted when you first launch. Finally, I recommend doing a roll, or several, in the eddy immediately, firtst thing every trip. It reminds you that you can roll and it, again, helps clear your head and put the fun of the rver into your minds perspective. It is all about frequency, though. Boat early, boat often, have fun. The season is long and you don't have to do high water class IV if it makes you nervous. Go paddle a lake or class II or III instead if that is going to be fun. Someday high water IV and V may be a fun level that you eventually find yourself comfortbly entering. It doesn't have to be the end goal, though. Just keep the joy of kayaking and traveling and sharing good times with good friends.

Cheers!
Ken


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## raymo (Aug 10, 2008)

"I'am a girl so go easy on me." Is that an excuse or an explanation of why your confidence is shattered? Grab all your junk and get out there on the river as much as you can, that alone is a big confidence builder. Kick some butt.


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## LDean (May 6, 2009)

Thank you for all the sweet advice. I appreciate it! I'm not giving up on kayaking, I love the sport too much, the day after the gorge incident we put on pinnacle rock and I pointed with no problem. Yes, I do need to work on my reading skills and I'm also planning on taking a swift water course (I would this season but I'm bumming it up for two months and then moving to Montana). 

Hey Crazy Nate I gave up on tennis after I tore my acl and I believe I got in about 60+ days my first season and I'm hoping to get a lot more this season! 

Hey raymo I was told I should write "I'm a girl so go easy on me". I was going to write "I know there are a lot of jackasses on this forum, so I'm ready for some shit talkin!" 

Thanks again everyone, and yes keep paddling FUN!!


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## jenneral (Aug 28, 2006)

Having good backup helps tons, this feeling will subside, you will power thru it if you want to get better. I almost quit boating till I started boating with a group of roudy women on the poudre. Don't stop, always have fun, and always boat with people who have your back and you have theirs. Nerves are just your bodies way of saying "flight or fight". Choose to tell your body to chill, think, react, read the water, and have fun.


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## Theophilus (Mar 11, 2008)

Ken Vanatta said:


> Finally, I recommend doing a roll, or several, in the eddy immediately, firtst thing every trip. It reminds you that you can roll and it, again, helps clear your head and put the fun of the rver into your minds perspective.


Great advice Ken.


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## caspermike (Mar 9, 2007)

biggest thing you can do is find someone you trust with your life to be your boating buddy. alot of my unhealthy thoughts are channeled through this venue.. not that unhealthy thoughts arent healthy to your continuation of life, just healthy for the situtation to stay positive and make it through postive... group dynamics are just that dynamic... when you run anything almost all members of the group are thinking differently. catching eddies differently, just boating different in general. find some boating buddies you feel comfortable boating around. somebody you feel comfortable following theres lines... nothings worse than following somebody who doesnt know where they are going.. your lines could be better by picking them your selves.. and if you were having difficult times reading the water than probably a good idea to chill the level a bit so that the learning can shoot through the ruff and the tuff and stuff will come later... i would chill work on some eddies and peel outs and just get back to the basic. work the class back up so you feel comfortable possibly leading??? i think you can do it girl. have a lot of fun thats the most important thing... and 1400 is a blast dont let a couple unitentinal cartwheels steer you away soon enough youll be looking for them. i promise! keep having fun is the most important reason to continue boating... thats why we do it. smiling at the bottom of a rapid to me theres nothing better.


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## Theophilus (Mar 11, 2008)

LDean said:


> Hey raymo *I was told I should write* "I'm a girl so go easy on me". I was going to write "I know there are a lot of jackasses on this forum, so I'm ready for some shit talkin!"


Somebody tells you what you should write?


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## carvedog (May 11, 2005)

nice post cm btw. good advice in there. 

I have had some tough times on the rio as well. 
Just wait 'til you have a really gnarly swim at flood stage, end up on the far side of the river from the road, right above a tough drop and..........thank God I had a really solid buddy there to talk me back into it. 

I told him I was done. Not getting back into the river. Don't need to do this anymore. He kind of laughed, said do you want me to go get your sleeping bag? Cuz we gotta paddle to get out of here bud. Of course it was fine. 

My recovery from that was to go out and make every class 3 that I could into a 4. Eddy out in the middle of something I had never thought of before. Make really tight ferries back and forth all the way through a drop. 

I did some slalom training too. Just being forced to make moves where I wouldn't have normally was great practice. 

And having good buddies helped a bunch too. 

Sounds like you are on your way.


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## Meng (Oct 25, 2003)

Just slow down and paddle what is fun for you. DO not paddle things that are scaring you right now. On your second year, the Royal Gorge at high water is a great feat. Back of, paddle some class2/3 for a season and then see where you're at. If you want to step up there, fine, if not, that's great too. Keeping it fun and low stress is key...

Also, as some have mentioned learning solid fundamentals in strokes, paddling and river running skills, river features/hydrology and river rescue will greatly bolster your awareness and your abilities. It sounds like you are currently paddling with little awareness in these areas, which makes the big rapids of the Gorge justifiably scary (and dangerous).

To summarize, your top two priorities in this situation should be:
- Stepping it down to the fun-zone
-Building skills and knowledge in areas that will allow you to progress and be safer/have more fun while paddling


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## JHimick (May 12, 2006)

I think it's bizarre that everyone posts the same shit, after it's already been posted a half dozen times.

Anyway...


Crazy Nate said:


> Doesnt matter what you paddle just paddle alot and you'll figure it out.


I don't agree with this advice. Paddling a lot with poor technique still makes you a lousy paddler. Learn from professional instruction or good boaters and practice in places where you can effectively use those skills.


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## Meng (Oct 25, 2003)

JHimick said:


> I think it's bizarre that everyone posts the same shit, after it's already been posted a half dozen times.


I usually reply before I skim the other answers. Funny though, I was thinking about that as I wrote the above reply and did it anyway in an attempt to be helpful. 

I think its bizarre that you're noting this negatively. If numerous people offer overlapping advice it just reinforces a position or theme.


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## raftus (Jul 20, 2005)

Paddling 60-90 days a season is great and will lead to a lot of progression, but you can make progress with a fraction of those days if you are following the suggestions here - the micro eddy catches, running tough lines in easy rapids, practicing ferries in rapids, making up slalom lines in rapids, etc. If you get 60+ days a year that is stellar but remember that there is a huge difference in the learning that takes place between a day spent floating in the middle of the current drinking beer versus a day spent catching every eddy, making tons of ferries in tough spots, practicing eddy turns, peel outs, combat rolls, braces and all the other skills that make a great kayaker.

Another way to build confidence and learn to read water better is to get on a lot of different runs in your comfort/ability range. Seeing and reading different water volumes, gradients, and river bed types will help you get better at reading water. That will in turn increase you confidence on every run you do.


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## JHimick (May 12, 2006)

Meng said:


> I think its bizarre that you're noting this negatively. If numerous people offer overlapping advice it just reinforces a position or theme.


I didn't intend to sound negative. I agree that multiple people saying the same thing reinforces the position. I'm not saying this is the case with you... but it seem throughout the buzz people will post up and essentially say exactly the same thing that many of their predecessors have said. Seems a little excessive when one can simply quote and agree. I guess my point was, the repetition of advice on this thread seemed a little excessive... regardless if the advice is good.


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## JHimick (May 12, 2006)

raftus said:


> Paddling 60-90 days a season is great and will lead to a lot of progression, but you can make progress with a fraction of those days if you are following the suggestions here - the micro eddy catches, running tough lines in easy rapids, practicing ferries in rapids, making up slalom lines in rapids, etc. If you get 60+ days a year that is stellar but remember that there is a huge difference in the learning that takes place between a day spent floating in the middle of the current drinking beer versus a day spent catching every eddy, making tons of ferries in tough spots, practicing eddy turns, peel outs, combat rolls, braces and all the other skills that make a great kayaker.


Exactly. This is what I was getting at but didn't articulate.


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## nmalozzi (Jun 19, 2007)

I just want to point out Dean-o that your little thread here just hit 1500 views, and has 32 posts (99% with great advice, commiseration, and understanding). So clearly this is something a lot of us know well!


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## LDean (May 6, 2009)

Theophilus said:


> Somebody tells you what you should write?



Yeah I know, lame, won't do that again. 

Thanks again for the advice.


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## mhelm (Jun 28, 2008)

LDEAN, it seems that everyone is giving you pretty good advice on here. We all have those runs that just kill our confidence. I had one last Thursday on a creek I've run more than 60 times! All you can do is know what your skill level is and just push it in small incriments instead of huge leaps. Also, take deep breaths and keep the paddle moving. It sounds like you are progressing pretty fast if you've already done the Royal Gorge. Everyone has bad days, but as paddlers we have to be tough and push through sometimes. Stay strong and smiling usually helps, too!
good luck,
Matt


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## kennyv (Jan 4, 2009)

As a former instructor and someone who also struggles with 'head' issues, I completely agree with jhimick. To add to the regimen of ferries, eddy turns and peelouts (IE: practice, practice, practice) I would also encourage you to work on your off-side roll and hands roll (if you don't know them already). These will lead to more confidence both under and over your boat. "If you're thinking about the swim, you're gonna swim. If you're thinking about the moves, you're gonna do the moves."

See you on the river,
kenny


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## Boat Hole (May 27, 2010)

*when i was younger....*

the answer would have been more beer

wait 'til you get older & everything scares the bijeezers out of you


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## nightingale (Aug 12, 2007)

*know how you feel...*

As a fellow female boater, I hear ya. It is really hard when you get spanked by the river, and it can really prevent you from coming back. I'm predominately a rafter (class 4) and class 2+ kayak and had my fair share of lumps. But I learn from them all, and it's part of the sport, I hate to say. But you learn and become a better boater because of them. After a good flip or wrap, you really remember why it happened an swear to never let it happen again!

When I first started boating in 2000, I had just finished guide school and was rafting down the Merced in CA. Had never run this first rapid before and did it wrong. I was paddleguiding and watched the bow of the boat come at my face after hitting the first hole wrong and sent all my friends swimming in cold water in May. My confidence was shot, but I gathered the troops and my gear and got back in the boat and finished the run. I felt I had to do it or I'd never get back in a boat! The bigger confidence killer was my wrap the same year on day 5 of a MFS trip. 

But like anything in life, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back at it. Wall are there for a reason, and most of the time, the rewards are worth the efforts...

See ya out on the river!


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## ednaout (Jun 3, 2005)

I really liked reading this post and have been thinking along similar lines, about my boating abilities recently. I have been kayaking since about 2005 and have been feeling well on my way to being a class 3+ or 4 boater...however, I think I have been telling myself that I am more competent than I really am. I have wanted to call myself a class 4 boater for so long that I convinced myself that I was. Now, Its not that I can't run a class 4 rapid here and there, without incident, but that sure as hell doesn't makes a class 4 boater out of me. I got lucky on a swim recently, on the Narrows (Crystal), by making it the the bank before swimming the meat, but that swim could have gone a lot worse.
I took another swim on the Main Salmon, on Chittam, at about 47,000 cfs, yesterday. It was a LONG and COLD swim. The eddies and currents were brutal. 
What I am coming to realize is that *I will be a better boater when I put in the time and enjoy the process*. 
Sorry for the novel, I just happened to be thinking a great deal about my skills and confidence levels recently, so this thread resonated with me.


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## caspermike (Mar 9, 2007)

Damn Beth.. hope you are drinking up for them swims. glad you're okey, but dont think to much about them swims. shit happens swims happen. think a bout the mistakes made before and correct the simple. think about the positive. also good time to think about if things went different how could they have been better in a rescue since or if something could have been a bit worse... fix the simple learn and crush the future, you got it


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