# Quotes Only Customers Could Come Up With...



## Ice Water (Aug 28, 2007)

I'm afraid of water... would I like rafting?


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## liquidchaos (Jul 11, 2005)

How dry are the wetsuits?


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## Ture (Apr 12, 2004)

How do we get back to the bus?


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## RealitySheriff (Oct 16, 2003)

What time of year do the Deer turn to Elk?

Does the river go in a circle?

Is the raft on a track?


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## WhiteLightning (Apr 21, 2004)

I didn't know I shouldn't wear slacks and wingtips.


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## rhm (May 16, 2006)

upon seeing the milky way for the first time on an overnite.

custy says, "what are those clouds? is it going to rain?"

i said, "those aren't clouds, that's the milky way."

custy says, "i thought the milky way was a galaxy."

i said, "it is a galaxy. it's the one we live in."


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## b dash rian (Mar 30, 2007)

In reference to the Loop on the lower Yough:
"does it really end at the top again?"
"Yes, MC Escher designed it."


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## TimWalker (Oct 25, 2003)

Custy - "How do I hold the oar?"
Me - "Cover the part that just hit you in the face with your inside hand and grab in the middle of the shaft with the other hand, and, ah, it's a paddle, that's why I'm trying to teach you how to paddle."

One more and my favorite...
Custy - "What do the Big Horn sheep eat, rabbits?
Me - "Yep, and tourists."


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## WhiteLightning (Apr 21, 2004)

Here's a good one that I get a lot:

Custy: Why do you carry a knife on your vest?

Me: 1. For spreading of cream cheese on bagels
2. For surgical purposes


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## WhiteLightning (Apr 21, 2004)

Here's a good one that I get a lot:

Custy: Why do you carry a knife on your vest?

Me: 1. For spreading of cream cheese on bagels
2. For surgical purposes
3. To make sure you listen/so I don't have to ask twice


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## farp (Nov 4, 2003)

How about my favorite question just before a big drop. 
"Does anybody ever get hurt doing this?"
"Shut up and paddle."


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## mania (Oct 21, 2003)

Custy (kid): "Why is the river so brown?"

Me: "A root beer truck overturned into the river yesterday. If you fall in it tastes like root beer."


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## mania (Oct 21, 2003)

this was on a private trip on the tat.

me: "Where did Rusty go?"

his wife: "he is running down the beach to get a photo of the moon in front of the mountain (Mt Fairweather)."

me: "Well he needs to go about a million miles." (it was about 30 degrees offset from the mountain)


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## mania (Oct 21, 2003)

Custy: "Is it really okay to pee in the river?"

me: "Yes its okay it goes straight to New Mexico."


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## YakaRaft (Dec 7, 2006)

" I just left my car keys under that rock - that's ok right? The river flows in a circle doesn't it?"
me: "yes, just like a lazy river.... by the way, what kind of car are you driving?"


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## YakaRaft (Dec 7, 2006)

"how deep is the river?"
me: "chest high on a duck"

or

me: "well, you can drown in 1 inch of water so it really doesn't matter."


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## randomnature (Jun 10, 2007)

*PFD's*

Guide: "Okay folks, one at a time step right up and grab a PFD. They adjust on the sides and one size fits all."

"Excuse me, do you have a bigger one. This one is too small?"


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## liquidchaos (Jul 11, 2005)

Custy; so if you use the bumps on the slopes in the winter, and in the river for the summer, you could probaly make some more money if you found a way to use them in the fall and spring. 

Me; ya, I could make millions...


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## liquidchaos (Jul 11, 2005)

floating on the UPC there were two people camping at a walk in spot. 
Custy: How did they get there?
Me; oh thats one of those new tents that doubles as a raft. 
Custy; REally?
me; no, but I had you going...


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## oarbender (Feb 3, 2007)

man -o mans- im so oooo thankful im not commercial any more, I would choke sombody im sure...........

"Raft guide goes balistic, chokes entire crew" hows that for a local headline


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## liquidchaos (Jul 11, 2005)

know the feeling oar bender, thats why I do three days a week in the office, it actually keeps me a little more sane, funny as that sounds. should we start a new thread ' things only guides would say'.


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## randomnature (Jun 10, 2007)

*Good question*

"Did you have to take training to do this?"


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## Turner (Oct 10, 2006)

After seeing several fly fishers on the river one lady finally looked back at me and asked:
"Now why would anybody want to fish for flies?"

I told her you had to catch the bait before you could catch any fish.


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## farp (Nov 4, 2003)

Here's one I heard while booking a trip on the phone. 
Custy: "I went rafting years ago and it was a lot of fun."
Me: "Really. What river did you raft?"
Custy: "I don't rember, but it was at the Grand Canyon."


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## shortbus (Jun 22, 2006)

*Red Flags*

Things guides don't like to hear custys say:

"I'll paddle, I've done the Gauley once"= He'll throw in a token backstroke just as you get set up to run the biggest drop on the run

During the middle of the safety speech: " you know, we already know all about this stuff, we canoe all the time back home in Iowa"= someone invariably gets scared and drops their paddle and then doesn't say anything, OR, they watch you self rescue and wonder why you decided to go swimming through that rapid.

"wow, there sure are a lot of waves for such a calm day!"= no concept of basic physics or nature.

"would you might shooting me with that bear spray, I don't want any of them coming around me"= it's not like deep Wood's OFF for Christ's sake, (although the though of spraying a customer with bear spray is charmingly refreshing...)
unfortunatley,the list goes on.....


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## mania (Oct 21, 2003)

Just today...

Custy: "How long have you been rafting?"

me: "Since about 10am, same as you."


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## randomnature (Jun 10, 2007)

I ain't heard of that bear spray. I bet they might buy that like hot cakes in Aspen. Does you hane a franchAise from Wes FoChinYHa. Do you test it on female raft guides imersonating Yeti?


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## Waterwindpowderrock (Oct 11, 2003)

Not a custy comment, but at the bolder boulder last year Cohen was playing in a hole on boulder creek & a little later I overheard an older lady talking with her husband "I felt so bad for him, he kept trying to paddle upstream but when he hit that little waterfall he kept getting flipped around, he kept on trying but he never did make it!"


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## deerfieldswimteam (Apr 17, 2006)

what do you have to do to become a raft guide?

They just made us watch Deliverance.


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## mdkearl (May 8, 2004)

"I didn't know we were gonna be getting wet"

My personal favorite, woman signed up for the #'s I walk on the bus.
"_I'm paying the bill, I'm giving you your tip, I don't want to fall out of the boat"_
_"_Well mamn you're signed up for a Class IV trip there is a chance you *could* fall out of the boat_"_
"_I'm paying the bill, I'm giving you your tip, I don't want to fall out of the boat"_
I proceedede to flip the boat on them in what we call the juicer towards the end of the trip.
She was pissed , I didn't get hosed on the tip, it was worth it.


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## cosurfgod (Oct 10, 2003)

*Raft Guides are tools*

This thread is perfect proof that raft guides are just as big of nerds as the custys.

Keep the quips coming, you guys are soooo cool. :roll:


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## Mut (Dec 2, 2004)

It's hard to tell when someone is being sarcastic on the buzz. 

But, it is too funny that a user with the name CoSurfGod is calling anyone a tool. It's even funnier that he/she is using a little smiley face at the end of a sentence where he/she calls someone else a nerd.

Either that is good sarcasm or just another douche bag.


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## yetigonecrazy (May 23, 2005)

Mut said:


> It's even funnier that he/she is using a little smiley face at the end of a sentence where he/she calls someone else a nerd.


glad someone else caught that irony.........


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## ecarlson972 (Apr 24, 2007)

*Not a rafting guide but!*

I was working in Alaska on a tour boat that went out into the Gulf of Alaska looking for whales and other wildlife.

Custy: What is the elevation here?

Me: Look over the side of the boat. About 10 feet!


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## randomnature (Jun 10, 2007)

*Kids say the funniest things*

There was a nine year old boy on the bus one day riding back from Shoshone. Passing through Wolcott, I was explaining the popular story about Eagle Springs Golf course being started as a gentleman's only club. The boy perked right up and said, "Oh, you mean like a GAY BAR?"


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## arkriverrat (Apr 11, 2005)

*While working in GTNP*

What time do you let the animals out of their cages?

Custy: Do Jackalopes live around here?
Me: Why yes they do, if you look for them you might see one.
Custy: Where should I look?
Me: Look in the trees, they climb up there to hide where their antlers will blend in with the tree branches.
Custy: Wow, they must be pretty hard to see then.
Me: Yes, they are very hard to spot...


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## Ice Water (Aug 28, 2007)

Custy - "Why does your gear look different from mine?"
Me - "So I can find myself in the pictures."


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## Ice Water (Aug 28, 2007)

Custy - "Does the boat HAVE to flip? - Do I have to swim?"
Me - "Only if the boat flips."


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## Ice Water (Aug 28, 2007)

UPC Night Vision
Custy - "If beavers are nocturnal, do we have to worry about them eating us?"
Me - *Crickets Chirping*


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## Ice Water (Aug 28, 2007)

*Get wet rafting?*



mdkearl said:


> "I didn't know we were gonna be getting wet"


Custy looking at Man Eater... "I don't want to get wet - so I just need to sit where it is going to be dry."


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## farp (Nov 4, 2003)

Another Beaver story.
I woman had just seen her first live beaver on the UPC. 
Woman: "They're so big!"
Me: "Yep."
Woman (retorically): "Why does nature have to be so big?"


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## Melrose (Nov 2, 2005)

*another...*

custy: when do we tip the guide?

me: after they tip you!

one of my other favorites...
a custy looking at a private kayaker: how do they sit in those things?
me: as if he was jumping a hurdle,one leg front,one leg back...you get used to it.

I learned this one from a video boater on the Gauley...
custies: let us see you roll
vb: what, you wanna see how a kayaker rolls???-proceeds to pop skirt, make hand jesters like rolling a fatty, lick it, light it.


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## Oopps (Jul 6, 2006)

custy looking at a kayaker: "Where do their legs go?"

"If we're paddling the raft, how come we need you (the guide) along?"

Custy: "Why don't you start trips before 10am?" Me:"Becuase they don't turn the water on untill then" Custy: "Oh, okay"


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## randomnature (Jun 10, 2007)

*Stupid Questions...*

What's PBR?


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## rockinRio (Jul 3, 2006)

Custy: "Does this river flow uphill?"
Me: "Yep only one in the world."


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## jeffsssmith (Mar 31, 2007)

*knives*

Why do you carry a knife? Because my boss won't let me carry a gun.


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